Andy Murray, the first Briton for 80 years with any real chance of winning the men's singles championship at Wimbledon, has lost in the semi-finals. And, in a heart-warming gesture, Michael Jackson, the dead King of Pop, has sent a message to the preternaturally miserable Scot.
'Don't worry,' said Jacko, 'you may have lost your tennis match. But I died amidst a firestorm of controversy, misplaced hero-worship and personal attacks, at the age of 50. So cheer up. Please'.
Murray speaking at his press conference after the game explained 'I played better than him [Anita Roddick]. I won more points. Everyone else is unacceptable. I am your new god.'
Referring to Jackson's comments, Murray remarked 'The guy just doesn't do it on the court. His comments are irrelevant, they are unacceptable. The Moonwalk is a foot-fault waiting to happen.'
Murray, who has a unipolar disorder (bipolar but without the happy bits), droned on and on for some minutes. Many journalists turned to drugs in an effort to survive Murray's trademark laconic drawl. Afterwards, the room was cleared of syringes and crack pipes, and several dead bodies were found.
Meanwhile, punters who bought tickets for Jackson's 5000 night residency at the O2 arena have been reassured that the gigs will go ahead as planned. Everything will be exactly the same, except there will be no music.