Bellevue, WA. Apparently overwhelmed with prayer requests, Microsoft icon Bill Gates is offering the Almighty a "Prayer Parsing Service," similar to a computer software "help desk. "In a vision the other night God pleaded with me to help ease his/her prayer burden to make sure he/she only received worthwhile ones."
"He spoke in pleading tones," said Gates, "asking me to help rid of him of useless requests such as ' Please help my sick baby,' ' I need a liver transplant and I want your help my Lord ' or ' My supermarket is selling Cholera tainted food, please help me,' Further explaining what God needs, Gates said, "Here are some examples, ' Oh Holy Father make Paris Hilton boobs bigger,' ' My neighbor's dog keeps us awake at night, please kill the entire family,' 'God, I pray you send me Bernie Madoff's secret, but never get caught' and similar good stuff." The Billionaire continues, "God told me he's getting old and needs more fun and make practical prayers come true, so the speak. He's just plain bored. Remember he's not a miracle worker"
Gates said the project will be funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, famous for the success of the "Dom Perignon for Rwanda Initiative," and translating the Bentley automobile owner's manual into the most common dialects of the official language Somali such as, Jiido, Dabare, Garre, and Central Tunni. "With all those rich pirates it's only fair and just they have an owners manual they can really read. Gates spurned question regarding the Foundation's opening of the first Bentley dealership in Somalia's capital of Mogadishu, saying, "That's an irrelevant cheap shot. I'm all for helping God now."
When asked how the Prayer Help Desk will work, Gates replied," It's so simple. Just call our famous Help Line, 1-800-Microsoft (642-7676), and when prompted simply punch in GODWANTSTOHEARTHEHELPYOUNEEDANDHOWHECANHELPYOUIFHETHINKSYOUAREWORTHWHILE, or 4639267864327..., and bunch of other digits, or if you are in a hurry just hit 5673 which is 'Lord' . You'll be given the name of a local "Prayer Parser" who will listen to your holy needs and decide if they are worth submitting to the Big Guy." Gates couldn't contain a muffled chuckle. "They are very, very, very fussy so really think what you need," he cautioned.
This is very important he concluded," Like the fabulously successful and beloved Microsoft Support Line, the wait for a representative can be lengthy, from a few hours to several weeks or months, but don't hang up. If you try to call back from the same number you'll be greeted by a recorded message, " You low life dipshit. You know you get one chance and one frigging chance only. Remember you are trying to reach the Holy Spirit, so be goddamed respectful. Got it asshole!? So hang up now. Shoo. Go away, but have a blessed day."
The service is expected to roll out July 1, 2009.
The Following Associated Press Summer Religion interns also contributed to this story; Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Bootsy Couric, Taco Reviera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams.