Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: Jesus, Religion, Heaven

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

image for Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops
"I always liked animals better than people."

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus' off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That's 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.

If your brain hurts from trying to cope with the notion that there are fewer people in heaven than there are in Starbucks on a Sunday morning, try coping with this instead: if fewer than one one-bazillionth of a percent of all the people who have ever lived were good enough to get into heaven, you're probably screwed.

Jesus dropped the carpet bomb about heaven's occupancy rate during his weekly meeting with The Rapture's editorial staff. When he was asked why so few people have been able to get into heaven, he replied, "We're selective."

Although Jesus would not reveal the names of the all-powerful, seven-person Pearly Gates Admissions Committee, He did say with a gentle chuckle that they are "permanent appointments and there is no appeals process." He also pointed out that one nay vote is enough to sink an application.

Jesus can intercede on behalf of an applicant, but apart from the time when He "might have pulled a few strings to get my brother Manny in," He doesn't second-guess the admission committee's work, especially since He knows in advance what they're going to do.

Persons who do not believe in the existence of Heaven or Hell, are taking delight in reminding true believers, "One hundred and fifty people means that most saints didn't get into heaven."

Skeptics are also playing people-you-thought-went-to-heaven-but-actually-didn't games: Helen Keller, Mother Theresa, FDR, Martin Luther King Jr., Cass Elliot, etc. The list is virtually endless.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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