London: Who will get Wackos Kids? ... is the question on everyone's lips tonight, after the death of the pop prince from a heart attack yesterday.
Mark Russell of UK pressure group Fathers 4 Justice, a group which holds wacky daredevil stunts on top of buildings in superhero outfits to promote their campaign for fathers rights, has stepped forward and claimed that Wacko Jackos kids are his.
It has long been alleged, by other spurious sources, that the three children actually might not be Michael Jacksons and that they are a result of artificial insemination from another source. Russell claims that he is the man who tossed himself off into a test tube years ago when he was skint and that he is the natural father. He is even prepared to go to extreme lengths to prove his paternity
"I'll even do Jeremy Kyle's Lie Detector test live on TV to prove it" said Russell as he dangled 60ft from Big Ben wearing an Elvis Presley outfit, with the words "The ONLY King of Pop" sewn into his Elvis cape, in a massive snub to Jackson.
"I've already done the Jeremy Kyle DNA test and that was a positive, now I'm gonna step forward and do the lie detector too. I know it's a tough call but the Fathers 4 Justice will save the day", he beamed in a superhero voice.
"If that doesn't help then I'm prepared to hijack a 747 from Heathrow tomorrow, fly it into Jacksons Neverland Ranch and land it on his front lawn. From there I'm gonna kung fu kick the security guards out the way, disable the alarm system by mind control, unlock the the two big safe doors to the west wing with a pencil, then run in to my kids and shout "Heeeeeeeeere's Daddy"
The alleged mother of two of the children, Demi Rower was allegedly heard to say "If Russell comes forward and proves he is the father, then I want compensation from someone, probably either a magazine or TV show, for him not being a wealthy enough dad. A girl needs new shoes you know"
AS news filtered through later that Jacksons Doctor was the last person with him when he died and that he had administered an injection to Jackson one hour earlier, Justice 4 Doctors Allegedly Involved In Michael Jacksons Death was formed.
Doctor Conran Murphy, the Doctor allegedly involved in Michael Jacksons death, issued a statement whilst wearing a batman outfit from atop of Nasa's Latest Moon-Walk Rocket project, - "Michael Jackson had phoned Boyz-2-Men thinking it was a home delivery service. When he was told it was a pop band, he was devastated and keeled over. I managed to resuscitate him with an injection of adrenalin, but he became so flustered later, his nose melted and choked him, I'm innocent"
The paternity suit continues....