Media demon Michael Jackson 50 is dead causing the world media to go into shock. Some tabloids speculate he died to get back into the limelight after the rise of Susan Boyle and the illnesses of Jade Goody, Farah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze. However the man was simply unwell and died.
Jarvis Cocker the bespectacled loon who interrupted Michael Jackson's act at the Brit Awards by jumping on stage and dancing like Kenneth Williams on prescription medication will be banned from the funeral.
An inside source ( or a figment of a journalist's imagination) cited " People are scared that the "PULP" front-man will jump into Michael Jackson's grave as a protest to what he has read about Wacko - Jacko in the tabloid press and start dancing unrhythmically - doing the uncle at a wedding twist".
Another inside source said "Body Guards have been given a description of Jarvis Cocker as a tall, ageing, ultra-white man, who is desperately underweight, outspoken, and is slightly unkempt with a incomprehensible British accent".
For the interest of safety and sexual hygiene Russell Brand has also been asked to stay away.
Anyone caught even whistling or humming a 'Pulp' song will be classed as hopelessly insane and shot by arm guards on sight-then finished off by Michael Jackson's former friend and chimp Bubbles. Bubbles is now 12 stone and can rip a human face off in ten seconds. Which may be improve the emaciated appearance of Jarvis Cocker.
Someone resembling Jarvis Cocker wearing a spinning bow-tie was seen boarding a plane to 'Neverland' armed with waterbombs, custard pies, bags of flour and 3 dozen whoopie cushions.
A spokesman said "We do not want to hurt Mr Cocker and would prefer to catch him alive by trapping him with a net, but he is so thin he will escape through the holes. Then he will be free to piously gibber on and dance quite badly. We are quite scared".
Michael's Jackson death has prompted many people to come forward with lurid stories about him in two weeks time after the funeral and tributes are over.
It is so predictable.....