Written by Nali G
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Topics: China, Kids, sweatshop

Thursday, 18 June 2009

image for China to Workforce: "Don't Sweat It"; Promises to Lower Humidity in Country's Plethora of Sweatshops

SHANGHAI - Amidst increasing international pressure, the infallible Chinese government has vowed to remove the blood, sweat, and tears - particularly the sweat - associated with its myriad of archaic sweatshops.

To achieve this, it has plans to regulate the relative humidity, the catalyst of excessive sweating, to a "more comfortable reading."

"When the body perspires, sweat tends to evaporate into the air," explained physicist James Zhao. "But if the humidity is too high, less evaporation takes place, creating a potential discomfort for the hard-working children."

Kim later modified the last portion of his statement to "hard-working employees," assuring that it was a "Freudian slip."

"The notion that we have any partiality towards the younger demographic is ridiculous," reassured Zhao. "As long as they have two arms and a working eye, we'll employ anyone." James Zhao has since retired from his prestigious position as dean and disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

A study released last week suggests that the unease associated with sweating only exacerbates the disappointment at hazardous work conditions, long hours, and the absence of adequate wage. Chief economic advisor Johnny Yu warns that the resulting decline in productivity is "unacceptable" as well as a "hindrance both to China's economic growth and strive for world domination."

"Freedom is slavery," reminded Yu.

The proposed project, which involves the counter-clockwise rotation of approximately twenty million humidistats, will take about two minutes to complete and will be sponsored entirely by the unerring Chinese government. The diminishment of remaining humidity will be achieved by the prohibition of sinks, toilet bowls, water bottles and any other sources of moisture, "just to be on the safe side."

Among the foremost supporters of the initiative are the Nike sportswear company and price-point retailer "99 Cents Only", both of which are already beginning to feel the weight of sweaty minors and their dwindling performances.

"I'm glad that the venerable Hu Jintao and his people are stepping up for this," said Eric Schiffer, CEO of Dollarama. "Stock holders have expressed incessant concern about the fate of the worthless shit on our shelves."

Various human rights groups and icons have also applauded the agreement. But while activist Jamie Xi called it a "step in the right direction," she stressed that this was only the beginning.

"The administration must work on the complete cessation of these barbaric practices." As Quan was handcuffed and loaded onto the back of a tinted sedan she added, "tell Jeffery that mommy loves him."

Nike has been asked to run a series of campaign ads to raise awareness of the proposal, invariably ending with abominable puns like "no sweat", "don't sweat it" or "we will take the 'sweat' out of 'sweatshop.'"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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