Pawleys Island, SC/ Waccamaw Times - As a sign of tough economic times, a Struggling, Retired Spoof Writer, has agreed to accept a high profile Muslim Terrorist into his home in exchange for the standard $10m Tarp Terrorist Housing Fee offered by the Obama Administration.
"I wouldn't have done it if the banks hadn't gone belly up, my retirement fund hadn't lost 40%, gas had stayed below $2.25 a gallon, and my golf game hadn't gone to shit," said the pressured writer.
The writer had said he had exhausted most other avenues of keeping up with the sagging economy. He had received a reverse mortgage on his $70,000 Yukon Denali which paid him back $39.50 a month on his initial investment that was now worth $9,500 after 2 years and 12,000 miles.
He was renting out his Therapy Dog, Bear, at $12.50 an hour to stressed out real estate agents,car salesmen, and investment managers who were only able to give him IOU's since most hadn't made a sale in 9 months. The few that did pay just managed to cover the 25 lb bag of dog food required for minimum sustenance for the 76 lb.golden retriever.
Things had picked up somewhat as the writer and his dog had recently taken to patrol the fringes of 6 local golf courses early in the morning to recapture and resell lost golf balls, with Titlest Pro-V's that initially sold for $3.50 a piece now going for $.25 to a select group of Weekend Golfing Warriors that banded together at the Heritage Plantation Golf Course often sharing clubs, re-glued tees, and recycled John Daly golf towels.
The safe haven accommodation was made with an attorney for the writer and a member of the staff of the Attorney General of the United States who was under a mandate from the Commander in Chief to empty out GITMO at ANY AND ALL COST in order to fulfill a campaign promise.
The writer , even though known to be conservative, and an Army Veteran, was able to pick his own terrorist from a list of over 232 detainees based on their profiles on Facebook, and was even able to TWIT a few through the internet.
After much soul searching, the writer, known as Morse on the Net, picked Sheik Alli Mahmoud De'Argone, and Arab of mixed heritage who was known to be a scratch golfer, as well as a maker of finely machined explosive devices with exquisite table manners who loved dogs.
At the exchange location, which had been secret until VP Joe Biden disclosed the location on Letterman, Morse met his new house guest at a Myrtle Beach, SC miniature Putt-Putt and received $7.5M in unmarked bills, a 5% stake in Fiat/Chrysler, and a 10% stake in CM, or Chinese Motors, formerly known as General Motors, all in preferred shares.
Sheik Alli appeared fit, tan, well fed, and well accessorized including the Tiffany gem encrusted GPS ankle bracelet paid for by his relatives in Saudi Arabia in order to facilitate his happy release.
After a short stop in Georgetown, SC to purchase a prayer rug, Alli and his adopted family seem to have settled into a standard routine.
Alli and Morse have arranged for regular Golf games M,W,F and Saturday, where Alli has proven his value with a 2 handicap, and with after hour lessons that has cut Morse's score down to the low 80's.
Thanks to Alli, Morse is now raking in about $500 a week hustling golf matches; thanks to Obama the mortgage is paid off, the garage is full of 2 cylinder Fiat Spyders that get 137 MPG, and Alli gets special care packages every week from Saudi Arabia which includes additional cash which he shares with his new found family.
Morse has moved Alli up to the FROG (finished room above garage) where Alli disappears after dinner working late into the night with his watch maker tools and the special products which arrive twice a week by FED X from Somalia, labeled "Extremely Fragile".
Thanks to the US Government, Morse and Alli will be attending a 6 month reunion in Bermuda and have been invited to play in the $5m Detainee Invitational Best Ball Tournament.
A hole in one on the par 3 10th hole will win the lucky player a Fiat with electrical problems and faulty brakes but backed with a full UAW warrantee.