Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: New York, Manhattan

Friday, 7 January 2005

image for Lower Manhattan: Terrorists in Schmattas
Lower East Side Residents Don't Dress for Shopping

New York City--The entire Lower East Side of Manhattan was cordoned off briefly after a resident of Greenwich, Connecticut, became alarmed by the behavior of the area's residents and feared a terrorist attack was imminent.

"The Department of Homeland Secutiry has urged all Americans to report suspicious behaviors, such as wearing loose or baggy clothing, sweating profusely, talking to oneself, having external wires, and carrying oddly shaped or poorly wrapped packages," said the impeccably coiffed Greenwich matron. She was visiting the Lower East Side to obtain real donuts and real bialys, items that are not available in Greenwich.

"In the space of four blocks, I saw hundreds of men and women mumbling to themselves, wearing loose and baggy clothing, sweating, and carrying odd-looking packages. People were screaming into pay phones. We don't even have pay phones in Greenwich!I got scared, so I called the police," she said.

Special forces were deployed immediately to the area, where they seized most of the residents in question.

"This is just a schmatta I wear to do the shopping!" indignantly said one of the woman, pointing to her loose-fitting housedress. "I'm supposed to dress up to go to Fine Fare?"

I'm sweating because it's 95 degrees and my apartment on the 20th floor doesn't have air-conditioning! I'm talking to myself because I forgot my shopping list! And in this bag I'm schlepping pickles from Guss's! We don't have those fancy-schmancy supermarkets like they do in Greenwich," she added.

She opened one package and spilled out two dozen garlic pickles, causing many of the deployed officers to faint from the fumes and the rest to run quickly to the nearest delicatessen for a pastrami on rye.

"Try one," she said to the Greenwich matron, who took a bite and pronounced it the most delicious pickle she had ever tasted in her life. The two women then began comparing recipes. The officers who were still standing dispersed; those still in a coma from smelling the pickles were left lying in the street.

"These wires are my Holter monitor," said one man, tucking wires back under his shirt. "My doctor is checking my blood pressure."

The remaining officers left, the Greenwich matron apologized repeatedly before leaving, and the residents continued on their way, still mumbling to themselves. "Greenwich, Shmenich," one woman was heard to say. "They need to watch more Woody Allen movies up there."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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