Written by Roy Turse
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Monday, 1 June 2009

In a shock announcement today it was revealed that ex-stand-in Chelsea manager Guus Hiddink and Britain's Got Talent runner up Susan Boyle are in fact twin brother and sister. They had been keeping the fact quiet until after their respective finals on Saturday.

Hiddink explained that although they are biological twins, they were born fifteen years apart. They are in fact the product of wartime experimental IVF techniques, and following a successful implantation in 1945, Guss was born in Holland. In 1957 his parents split up and his mother moved to Scotland, taking a batch of frozen embryos with her. Susan was born in 1961. For years they had no idea until Susan's mother told her and she contacted Hiddink. They kept it a secret to avoid any scandal.

Susan said she was surprised that nobody had realised earlier. "Och, the hair and eyebrows are a big giveaway," she told us, "And we're both a bit mad."

Guss was only sorry that Susan had not won the final of Britain's Got Talent, he said. "That would have rounded it all off on Saturday."

Now Guus is off to manage Russia in their World Cup campaign, while Susan begins her career as a slightly deranged chanteuse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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