PYONGYANG, NK - Jung Hyun-kyung, red with anger and visibly agitated, ordered North Korea's sixty-eight year old leader off the set of her country's highly popular reality TV version of "The Bachelorette" last night, telling him to "never come back!"
"What the hell is wrong with that guy?" she asked cameras with tears in her eyes as a stream of waterproof mascara trickled down her cheek. Her hands trembled as revered leader Kim Jong-il could be seen pulling away from the curb in a limousine, no doubt off to one of his many mansions. "At first, he was such a charming guy!" she sobbed. "What a complete assh*le!"
North Korea's version of "The Bachelorette" proved to be much more popular than anticipated, owing as much of its success to the inclusion of Korea's leader, commander-in-chief of the world's fifth largest military, among the bachelors as it owes to its pretty bachelorette, Jung Hyun-kyung. Nevertheless, the starlet says he has to go.
According to Hyun-kyung's testimony, his inappropriate advances virtually amount to rape. She says she took Kim Jong-il out for some "one on one time" last night because she thought he was "sort of cute, in a harmless, elderly kind of way," also noting that he is "wealthy, powerful, and just about ready to kick the bucket."
However, she says all the leader wanted to do was talk about himself. "He kept bragging about his palaces and resorts, telling me how he shoots holes-in-one every time he plays golf, and that he's written all these operas," she recalls. "Then he pointed out a double rainbow over Baekdu Mountain and told me it was for him! I was like, you sooo need to get over yourself."
Later that evening, his demeanor became very aggressive. "He kept telling me to call him 'Dear Leader'," recalled Hyun-kyung. "He was very insistent about it. And then he started to, you know, sort of straddle my leg. He moved back and forth a couple of times, then all of a sudden he gasped, and I could see there was a wet spot forming in his pants! EWW!! So disgusting!"
Kim Jong-il later bragged about the premature ejaculation, referring to it as "a highly successful sexual encounter, with which I am greatly pleased" in conversations with other bachelors. When they asked him to "keep it to himself," he angrily took the implication to the extreme, withdrawing completely into a corner of the room, saying, "Oh, so that is how it is going to be, is it?"
Now isolated, Kim Jong-il began testing the patience of everyone in the household. He would repeatedly drop to the ground, barely eke out three or four pushups, then struggle to rise, puffing up his scrawny chest at the other bachelors, taunting them defiantly. He also began annoying members of the camera crew with a relentless barrage of spit wads despite their repeated threats of physical harm.
Immediately before Jung Hyun-kyung decided to remove North Korea's "Dear Leader" from the set, he had begun to march randomly around the room. High-kicking in perfect cadence, he warned all present that he was "not trying to kick anyone on purpose, but if you happen to get in my way, it's not my fault if you should also happen to get kicked!"
"Get the hell out of here, you angry, dirty old man!!" shouted Hyun-kyung as she shoved the inscrutable North Korean leader off the set, completely fed up. She threw one of her shoes at him as he climbed into a waiting limousine. "You're totally ruining my show!"
Kim Jong-il immediately issued a press release stating his regret at not being able to accept Jung Hyun-kyung's "very flattering marriage proposal."