(Vatican City, Saturday 3rd July) Documents released today under the Catholic Church's Freedom of Disinformation Act confirm that Osama Bin Laden was paid $5 billion from the Pontifical Office's Colombian offshore accounts to mastermind the 9/11 massacre at the World Trade Center as part of a global strategy by right-wing religious nutters group Opus Dei.
Further, affidavits filed in Rome by Atheists Anonymous attest that Bin Laden is the natural son of "God's Banker" Roberto Calvi, whose murder trial is under way in Rome, and that he organised the 9/11 attack after the CIA secretly milked his private slush fund accounts from the Vatican and gave the money to Colonel Gaddafi in recognition of his failure to gas neighbouring Chad with sarin.
In a new twist to the tale, disgraced Enron CEO Ken Lay is alleged to have provided the financial conduits which made this series of money launderings possible after his half-brother Vladimir Putin got the hump for failing to be crowned Tsar of all the Russias, in accordance with ancient Orthodox prophecies that named him Messiah of the New Millenium.
Lawyers contracted to the Pontifical Office are reported to have suggested a complete make-over of the Vatican's awesome PR machine, in view of the failure of Opus Dei to crown their Prince in Moscow. "Either that, or just rename them Hopeless Day", said a spokesman.