Written by A. Pat Riot
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Topics: Elections, Canada

Friday, 2 July 2004

image for Computer Glitch Voids Canadian Election Results

OTTAWA (Dissociated Press)-- In a surprise statement, Elections Canada today announced that it was invalidating the results of the recent Canadian federal election. Officials revealed that what had been portrayed in the media as a hotly-contested race resulting in a Liberal minority government was largely due to a "computer glitch" in the tabulation of ballots. "Based on a visual review of the ballots cast, the actual winner was "None of the Above", followed closely by "Don't Care", with assorted profanities trailing the field," the statement noted.

"We have decided for the good of the country to void the election outcome, since less than ten percent of Canadian voters were able to hold their noses long enough to show up on election day," the statement continued. "We figure the new election should be held when it does not conflict with more pressing national concerns, but can't find a date without a scheduled hockey tournament."

Among the prominent issues in the election race were Liberal "attack ads" accusing Conservative leader Stephen Harper of using an ozone-depleting substance to lacquer his hair, and the separatist Bloc Quebecois promise to detach Quebec from Canada, tow it out to sea and anchor it off the coast of Florida. The election nearly attracted public interest when Jack Layton, leader of the leftist New Democratic party, admitted that his perennial grin and glazed look when discussing national policy was
due to "acid flashbacks" from his college days.

When asked to comment on the cancellation announcement, Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin said "I'm shocked and appalled...no, wait a minute, it's time for my nap--let me get back to you." Conservative leader Stephen Harper exclaimed "I'm so darned mad I could thump something. Pass me that Bible." Meanwhile, Green Party leader Jim Harris asserted that his party should form the new government by default. "It's clear from the election results that an overwhelming majority of Canadians are even more undecided about us than they are about the mainstream parties," Harris commented cryptically.

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