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Thursday, 14 May 2009

image for KCF To Sell 'Human Burgers' In Borneo
What Do We Want? Long Pig Banned! When Do We Want It? Now!

Leading fast food outlet KCF today announced that in line with their global policy of appeasing ethnic minorities by providing tailored menus, they are to supply human meat, or 'long pig' as it is known locally to cannibals at its Borneo branch.

KCF Exec Spike Crampon told us:

"We've traditionally supplied Halal meat in predominantly Muslim areas, Kosher meat in Jewish areas, kangaroo meat in Australia, and bush meat in central Africa, so it's just a natural development to supply human flesh to cannibals. Our motto is where there's a demand there's a supply."

Which is fair enough, we suppose, but we had certain reservations about the sourcing of meat for products such as the 'Spicy Brain Sizzler' the 'Chilli Ribs' and the 'Offal Bucket'

"It's mostly roadkill," Edgar, a short order cook for the Borneo branch told us. "These cannibals, they tend to go a little loopy in the head through eating the brains and sex organs of their vanquished enemies. When they go dippy they tend to forget what they're doing, so they wander into the streets and get bugzapped by the traffic. We pick up the remains, add some salt and saturated fats and hey presto! Long Pig Burgers."

Not everybody is happy with this new venture though. 10,000 chickens staged a protest march last week complaining that the cannibal menu was putting them out of a job.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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