Written by Dan DiLucchio
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Topics: chickens, Eating

Friday, 2 July 2004

Mad cow disease, or bovine spongiform encephalopathy, is believed to cause variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease (CJD), the fatal human equivalent of mad cow disease. The human strain of the disease has been traced to trying to use the word encephalopathy in a sentence.

Although the disease has never been found in U.S. cattle, fears have created one more thing to whine and fret about. There has been a serious drop in the consumption of steaks and hamburgers, reeking havoc on summer cook-outs and bar-b-ques. Most recently, there was the quarantine of 1,353 cattle from various Islamic countries at Guantanamo, Cuba where hooded cows can be seen escorted to and from their open air pens. With its serious consequences for humans, caution and care, but not chop steak, are in order.

Today, however, scientists have confirmed their darkest fears. In tests conducted in both the U.S and Europe, another major global source of food may be unavailable for human consumption. Scientists have labeled this new strain of disease Urinarious Officious Poultryous (UOP) or in layman's terms, "Pissed Off Chicken."

"We don't know why they're upset," said Ann M. Veneman, Secretary of the U.S. Department of Agriculture, "that's what we're trying to find out." With today's announcement, flocks of humans have been avoiding the birds. KFC restaurants in the U.S. saw an immediate 97% decrease in traffic. The other 3% of the customers displayed chicken-like behaviors. "Their behavior is very rude," said Joan Phillips, interviewed while doing her weekly grocery shopping, "the birds are obviously upset about something. This kind of tension makes my stomach upset"

It is not known what's eating the poultry or what effect eating the birds will have on humans, but until further research is conducted, scientists are recommending fish.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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