Written by Vatican McDowell
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Topics: World Cup

Sunday, 10 May 2009

The average resident of the Faeroe Islands is tall and blonde with a ruddy complexion forged in the bright sunshine and fresh winds of the North Atlantic. Not many people on the world stage pay the Faroese much regard and those that do focus heavily on their liberal political scene, high per-capita GDP and healthy lifestyle.

However Soren Larson, local Minister for Nordic Cataclysms, is keen to show other states that this provincial archipelago can offer so much more; "by the power of Odin's hammer, Operation BESERK will clench the pitiful nations of this earthly realm in a scarlet death-grip of unquenchable fire". When pressed further on this matter, Mr Larsen admitted that the timescale for this project was defined as "[strong]soon...by 2020 at least...before Loki is quenched by the Western Fires".

In late 2003, several months after the invasion of Iraq, EU terrorism monitor Pierre LeBien returned from a holiday to the Faeroe's and held a disjointed and heavily-criticised press conference at which he stated; "....doomed...DON'T YOU SEE..they have the power now, THE MACHINES-OH CHRIST-the...machines. Look. In. Their. EYES". EU parlimentarians called a hearing to discover what was meant by M. LeBien's outburst but on the appointed day he was nowhere to be found; an incomprehensible note scrawled in what appeared to be blood was found pinned to the door of his Strasbourg apartment by means of a knife made from North Atlantic granite inscribed with runic symbols.

In the wider world, however, the former Danish province enjoys a good reputation. A spokesman for the US State Department commented "our relationship hasn't always been easy as the Islands are currently borrowing heavily to fund huge purchases of telemetric cirutry, fissile material, Swiss clocks, George Foreman grills, alabaster marionettes, peanut butter, space probes, DVD copies of Superbowl IX, war axes and impregnable titanium barriers-this has driven up prices for US citizens in relation to all of the above although to be fair the Faeroes have pumped a lot of money into the States through their purchase of all our germ warfare labs...and Nabisco".

In the Faroese capital city, Fort Thor IXX, the armour-clad and laser-toting citizenry appear unconcerned by the differing perceptions of their small country in the outside world. A local journalist, Metal Unit-B (Baltic Batallion) laughed off the sometimes lurid speculation about his countrys intentions which permeates the internet; "Fools...IGNORANT LITTLE FOOLS....Soon you will see as the sky is rent asunder by THE RAVEN".

This attitude is typical of the simple and easy-going rustics who inhabit this quaint Atlantic paradise. Lars, a 32 year old psychological warfare expert living in a diamond bunker in the agricultural north of the main island captured the mood perfectly; "all is well. Sleep soundly in your decadent feather-beds and your piss-soaked hostelries. Sleep, ignore the screams, sleep and do not dream"

Ultimately this fun-loving lifestyle is the context in which we should view the Faeroe Islands, we should switch focus away from their government's leveraged purchase of Rupert Murdoch's media empire, Fiat, the island of Cyprus, Abraham Lincoln's tomb and the undisclosed contents of what is believed to be an alien crash-site off the coast of Ecuador. After all, everything is fine, FINE.FINE.FINE. As the Faroese say "YOUR LIFE IS ASHES."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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