When US Secretary of State Hillary 'Sherpa' Clinton arrived in Iraq last week, hundreds of people there committed suicide rather than having to hear, let alone see, the former President's baggage. As the baggage passed through customs in Baghdad, three officials there set themselves on fire, and one Japanese tourist committed hari-kiri.
'It was terrible', one onlooker said, 'one minute everyone was hiding from the snipers that follow Mrs. Clinton wherever she goes, the next minute people were desperately reaching for gasoline canisters and lighters, machetes and knives, even for concealed poisons, anything to avoid the nightmare of being within a hundred miles of the Secretary of State.'
And the suicides didn't just confine themselves to Iraq. In Kosovo, Serbia, snipers there wearing 'I Shot At Hillary' t-shirts turned their guns on themselves at the news that Mrs. Clinton was actually allowed outside the USA, and some were calling for the UN to define this as a war crime.
'It's beyond belief that someone with no political talents, no intelligent ideas, and no ability at doing anything at all except marry Presidents, and telling lots of delusional lies about her life, should be made Secretary of State', said an anonymous Iraqi minister.
'But in a country that elects alcoholic monkeys as Presidents we can accept that. But to allow this hideous monster into our country is outrageous! Death to America! Wait a minute ... clowns like her and Bush are actually bad for America, so maybe ... we should ... greet her with open arms, and praise her and all such Americans!'
And as Mrs. Clinton stood at the steps of her plane, waving to a stray dog that had stopped to watch what she was doing, she made a historic, if not a legendarily important on an awesome scale of awesomeness speech to the one cameraman that had turned up to film her. 'Hey!', she said, and the dog coughed and moved on.