Hansel and Gretel have been arrested after new DNA evidence has come to light in the case of the roasted 'witch', a cause celebre and scandal which rocked the world a hundred years ago.
"We have evidence which suggests that the siblings may have eaten the lady's food, then asked for her car keys and upon refusal gang-raped her repeatedly. Gretel used a broom and that's where the idea for the contrived 'witch' story originated. We now know that she wasn't a witch but just a little eccentric", stated Officer Wiggum.
"Furthermore, we believe that their parents didn't abandon them but were actually murdered in cold blood after disapproving of their incestuous relationship and their bodies are buried somewhere in the woods."
The siblings, now in their hundreds, were pinpointed after semen samples were matched and CCTV footage, previously believed to have been lost, was rediscovered after renovations of the police station.
"It doesn't make pretty viewing", says Wiggum in a hushed tone of voice. "At one point Gretel orders that poor old woman into the oven or 'she'll get that cucumber up her ass again'. We believe she was the brains behind the whole thing. There was an innocence about kids in those days and no jury was ever going to convict. Everyone felt sorry for them."
The victim's family says they are pleased that 'justice has been done' but feel that the police department have let them down.
"Mom's name has been dragged through the mud for years. It's been dreadful. The investigators let us down", laments son Gerald, who discovered the body when looking for his dinner and has been receiving counselling ever since.