Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Saturday, 2 May 2009

image for Dutch Queen almost assailed by anti-active euthanasia terrorist using a car
The light! The light! You must stay away from the light!

Amsterdam, The Netherlands - Dutch authorities have been tightlipped about releasing information on the attempted assassination of their queen by what officials are describing as sole act of a deranged lunatic bent on using his car as a lethal injection needle.

"What we've learned so far is that the alleged assailant was a member of an anti-active euthanasia political cell," said the chief investor assigned to the case. "And we believe his motive was to assassinate the queen to spot light his cause. That is all we can tell you for now."

However, media outlets have confirmed that sometime during the anti-active euthanasia activists turned terrorist that individual in question, while in the midst of carry out is deadly mission against the queen, changed his mind.

"A practice not uncommon when the Dutch are facing certain death," said a clinical psychologist that specializes in the study of assisted suicide. "He must have realized right then and there that he could not complete his anti-active euthanasia assassination attempt against his queen and opted out by exercising his right under Dutch law to commit assisted suicide by plowing his car into a crowd of innocent by standers and on lookers."

According to Dutch officials, all of the alleged victims' injuries could have been treated and their lives saved, if it not were for the suicide notes found on their persons by attending emergency personnel. Which explicitly stated in no uncertain terms that they were not to receive any medical treatment for their self-inflected injuries resulting from their failed attempted suicide or those injuries inflected by others during a failed attempted assisted suicide.

"It's ironic and a hell of a coincidence," said the inspector, expecting to close his investigation early. "But those are the facts."

Police even discovered in some of the alleged victims' pockets, wallets and purses in addition to the suicide notes, advanced medical directives detailing the circumstances that they especially wished not to receive medical treatment, or be revived.

"If ever I am injured ever so slightly," read one advance medical directive. "In an assassination attempt against my queen by a mad man behind the wheel of a large automobile, or horse drawn carriage, I hereby express my desire not be medically treated for any of my injuries, not even a band-aid administered or that my lifeless body be revived, should I have expired. Instead, that my Last Rights be administered to me even if I am conscious and lucid enough to say, 'I'm okay. No really, I'm fine. Hey, what's that priest doing here?' And that despite being able-bodied, to walk on my own power without assistance, that I immediately be restrained, strapped down and administered active euthanasia and in the following prescribed manner, too: lethal injection, cyanide pill, my body dipped into a vat of acid, thrown off the White Cliffs of Dover, hung by the nearest tree disguised as a piƱata in a predominately Mexican neighborhood, a pillow applied to my face by a large Native American fellow, read allowed Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" or simply dropped off at a county hospital waiting room, if I should be traveling abroad in the United States of America."

Later, at the police impound yard; love letters addressed to Jack Kevorkian were found in the trunk of the assailant's car. All unopened and marked return to sender.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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