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Tuesday, 28 April 2009

image for Germany asks Ferguson to become Chancellor
'My orders must be obeyed at all times without question, F.A.!'

After over sixty years of democracy, a referendum in Germany today gave the result that surprised nobody in Europe, and Sir Alex Ferguson was asked to become the new Chancellor there, with the people giving a resounding 98% 'yes' vote.

'For too long we have experimented with democracy, with fair elections and the better people winning on the day', said CDU leader Herr F.A. Voteriggen, 'but it's not really for Germany.'

'We prefer a firm leader, a Fuhrer with absolute control of everything and everybody around him, one that allows no opposition, or even any chance of any opponents getting the better of him for one minute. And if that means threats and bending the rules, then so be it. Yes, Ferguson is a perfect Chancellor for us.'

And as Sir Alex himself stepped out into the massed rally at Neu Traffordzberg, he was greeted by thousands of his new followers in their black, white and red uniforms, and soon they were roaring the old Nazi 'Foul, foul! and 'Penalty, ref!' chants at him. As a hush fell across the stadium, only interrupted by an occasional shout of 'Heil Fergler!', the new Chancellor addressed them:

'People of Germany, I come to being peace and prosperity to this great country. All I have learned as football manager will now be the new order here in Deutschland, so first of all you're out, Angela', he said to Mrs. Merkel, who promptly burst into tears as Ferguson threw a commemorative S.S. teacup across the stage at her.

'Next - F.A. Voteriggen, you're now under my personal command, and will use all officials and courts to follow my orders.' 'Jahwohl, mein Fuhrer!' 'And as for the European Union, pah! The swine have dared to create a socialist Eurostate with equality and freedom for all, but everyone knows there can only be one country in Europe with power, and only one manager of that country, and all will be destroyed who oppose me and the supreme Aryan race! Seig!' 'HEIL! 'Seig!' 'HEIL!' ...

And as Fergler left the rally, he immediately began issuing orders. 'Get ontae Scholesy, tell him he has one month to crush the trade unions and to wipe out the socialists and communists. And enrol 100,000 English football hooligans into a new elite Leibstandarte Alex Fergler Division.'

'The following agitators in Britain are all to be assassinated, at least by the press - Mourinho, Benitez, Moyes and Strachan. But leave Burley and Smith alone, they're good Nazis that have won the Order of the Blue Nose.'

'All judges must now swear allegiance to me and to the Reich, and must wear the official Fergie Notsoyouthful black uniforms with shorts, and in any disputes involving me they must instantly point to the spot - the spot on their order sheet, which says 'Unless you rule in Fergie's favour, you will be shot at dawn'. The ancient German laws of auf seite and handbal will be abolished for all Germans, especial when approaching London on day trips.'

Experts predict a new golden era for Germany with Ferguson at the helm, and one socio-economist in Dusseldorf said: 'New prawn sandwich shops are already sprouting up across the Fatherland after Fergler's arrival, and Party membership has increased ten-fold in just one day, especially in the capital city.'

'Tickets for the fortnightly rallies at Traffordzberg now fetch astronomical prices on SSBay, as do shares in the newly-founded state-run AFC television service, and its new technology allows entire rallies to be edited so that any mistakes judges or even Ferguson himself make can be carefully glossed over within a few hours.'

But some Europeans were unhappy at the new Chancellor's appointment, and the leader of the anti-fascist Spanish resistance, Rafael Benitez, said: 'Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Fergler, if you think old England's won. We are the boys who will beat you at your own game, we are the boys who will make you chew again. So who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Fergler, if you think old England's won!'

'Don't panic, Mr. Benitez!', shouted a passing Liverpool player, on his way to court. 'We shall never surrender, not until we've lost everything by May - again!'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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