LONDON, UK: The Health Ministry has issued more swine flu alerts and precautionary measures. The Health Secretary has said: "We are now asking Brits to avoid eating bacon butties - just to be on the safe side".
A bitter Onslow Dole and his wife Daisy complained to the BBC that this was "bloody godawful. We luv our butties and literally start each day with a couple or three washed down by a couple or four pints of lager. This is most un-British".
However, in an effort to show the public that it takes such health issues seriously, the producers of Corrie Street have made a devastating decision.
"After much thought over a bacon and egg pie and bacon flavored crisps, we've decided that Roy's Rolls will be taking bacon off its menu - at least until the health situation improves".
Corrie inhabitants were outraged. "It's our lifeline - without our 4 major food groups - alcohol, fat, tobacco and sugar we Brits would literally perish".
Jamie Oliver said "this is f***ing good!"