US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said the USA 'will stand and watch the people of Iraq die for our oil', during a difficult period of transition in the supposedly-colonialised country. She was speaking during her first visit to Iraq as America's top pain.
Mrs. Clinton's visit comes in the wake of two days of CIA bombs, to hint at the need for Americans to stay in the region, but because of these attacks there will be a lot of people asking just how low the United States can stoop, in either killing civilians or at least arming people to kill them, as in Palestine.
'Look', the Secretary said, 'we daren't attack Iran, as it has existed for thousands of years as Persia, and is a united and strictly moralistic country - if only America was like that! Hahaha. (Hi George! Hope you're still going to church!)'
'But Iraq isn't a real country, it was invented by the British who drew up its borders on a map in London only a hundred years ago, so it's an easy place for Americans to act tough in, as it's as disunited as the United Kingdom, i.e. everyone in Iraq hates each other. Though we still can't actually win wars, or achieve any peace ... in fact, what the hell are American soldiers doing here?'
'Oops! I mean - we want to see a stable, sovereign Iraq ruled by America, and the US will stand by the dead of Iraq and will look for ways to try and control this part of the world in the future. Though everybody knows that the British, the French, the Saudis and the Israelis control the Middle East, that's why GI's are dieing here. Er, can someone help me out, my autocue's stopped working. 'Just ad lib', OK, thanks. Gulp.'
'Ya know, whatever coon dump this is it makes me sure look important! Imagine believing Americans are here to make peace - there WAS peace until Americans came here, now every day's like a Friday night in Belfast - except no Americans dare set foot in Belfast, might meet some real tough guys there.'
'What else? Yeah, I married Bill to get to the White House, then I hired that Jewish girl to catch him out! How we two laughed when we kept the dress as evidence! And now here I am, the Eva Braun of American politics - plain, dumb, a token, and with only one asset, marrying a President. Thanks, Adolf - I mean Bill.'
And as Iraqis began reaching for their shoe laces, she continued: 'Vietnam, wow, we sure succeeded there, Korea, another one, Bay of Pigs in Cuba, lost that one too. Two World Wars won before we dared enter them. You know, boys and girls, it might just look a tad ridiculous for an American woman to jet round the world and talk as if her country is going around fighting wars and winning them, and is strong and important. Vietnam, Korea, Grenada, bay of Pigs ...OK, my autocue's working again, whew!'
'So let me just say this. Iraq is on the right track, it's oil is flowing nicely towards America, my arms shares are increasingly nicely in value every time the CIA lets off another 'suicide' bomb. Democracy is working, America is helping the world, Israelis are not war criminals. When I was in Kosovo, snipers kept firing at me. I am not a liar. Trust me.'