Written by Elvin F. Verdad
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Sunday, 26 April 2009

image for Mental Illnesses Diagnosed in Unborn Babies - Say What?

At a clinic in Dorchester and another in Oyster Bay, New York, in the USA, doctors are now routinely diagnosing unborn babies with mental disorders including ADHD and Bipolar as well as a newly defined disease, Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder (based on the fact that they are about to go through the very stressful process of being born).

Through controversial procedures, Dr. Ordlin Beanhauser (UK) and Dr. Howard Mindsettler (US) are able to, they claim, determine mental disorders based on a fetus' movement patterns, general discomfort caused to the mother, and a baby's reaction to Barry Manilow music and recordings of Ben Stein droning on endlessly about nothing.

In a recent interview, Dr. Mindsettler stated, "it's simple really. We create real world situations, the kind of life situations the youngster will face later in life, and then gauge his reaction. Praise Obama."

Interviewer: "But you're talking about an unborn baby!"

Dr. M.: "Well, what's the difference really? We already give drugs to babies less than one year old. This just gets them a little earlier. Everybody knows it's better to treat everything earlier. Praise Obama."

Interviewer: "What are you talking about? What criminal freakin' moron would give psychiatric drugs to an infant?"

Dr. M.: "Happens all the time. In Florida just a couple of years ago, they revealed that babies less than one year old in their foster care system are routinely given drugs for mental illness. Praise Obama."

Interviewer: "Really, that's disgusting! Why would they do that? Is it supposed to cure their diseases so once they get to be 2 or something, they have no more need of the drugs? And would you please stop that?"

Dr. M.: "Cure? What's that? We don't cure. No, those kids, even the unborn babies we help, will have their diseases for a lifetime, probably needing drugs to stabilize them cradle to grave. Stop what? Praise Obama."

Interviewer: "No cures? Just treatment! And you're giving these drugs to babies! You're a psycho. Do you even have a license? And stop saying 'praise Obama' at the end of every sentence."

Dr. M.: "Well, say what you want, we have a 97% success rate. And I don't do that. Praise Obama."

Interviewer: "You just did it again! What in the world does that mean? What's a success? And if you do that one more time, I'm going to punch your lights out."

Dr. M: "97% of the babies are successfully treated and they don't miscarry. Successfully treated means, well, they got treated and we get to send the bill. Praise O… miss, please put that vase down."

Interviewer: "What! If 97% don't result in miscarriage, that means 3% do! I'm reporting this to the authorities. And wait, how exactly do you give the drug to a baby, in a woman's body, without basically giving it to both mother and child?"

Dr. M.: "Sometimes we get lucky and can get the same diagnosis for momma and baby, then we just give her the drug and we'll all set. For other cases though, we are piloting a flavored drug, with various flavors that babies are known to favor, like smashed bananas, peas and sweet potato, and of course that fabulous one-of-a-kind taste of Similac. Praise… Ok, ok, let me up and I'll stop doing it."

Interviewer: "You think a baby's body is somehow going to find and soak up more drug from its mother's bloodstream because you flavor it!? I've been told psychiatrists had the highest incidence of psychosis of any profession but you take the cake. So why do you keep saying 'praise Obama', crazy man?"

Dr. M.: "Well the important thing is that the mothers and babies get the treatment they need. You like some free samples of Ritalin? I can get all I want based on how much money my cohort in England and I are bringing to the drug company. And Obama is psychiatry's new hero, don't you know? He co-sponsored the Mother's Act and will certainly sign it as soon as the senate approves it. While in the Senate, he co-sponsored basically every bill that promotes more psychiatric treatment. Heck, when this law is passed, praise Obama, then we won't even have to advertise, women will have to get mental health screening. We'll just open the doors and let the customers come in. Praise Oba… Ouch!"

Editor's note: After the mêlée which ensued, Dr. Mindsettler was hospitalized for multiple lacerations and a certain object forcibly inserted into a body cavity. Our reporter was initially charged with assault but the charges were dropped when the judge found out the supposed assault was perpetrated on a psychiatrist who gives drugs to infants and unborn babies.

From the reporter's notes, I was also able to gather the following information: The practice of diagnosing unborn babies is designed to dovetail with the new law, just about to be passed in the United States. Dubbed the "Melanie Blocker Stokes Mom's Opportunity to Access Health, Education, Research, and Support for Postpartum Depression (MOTHERS) Act", the bill basically forces all pregnant women and new mothers to be screened for mental disorders whether they consent to such tests or not. The stated idea is to prevent tragedies such as what happened to the bill's namesake, Melanie Blocker Stokes. She killed herself quite dramatically 3 months after giving birth. The idea is to screen these women for mental disorders and thus get them the treatment they "need" and prevent such tragedy. Curiously the supporters of the bill neglect the fact that Ms. Stokes was screened, was diagnosed and treated with several drugs, electric shocks and hospitalizations. Perhaps more screening and drugging is not such a good idea. So, you bloody yanks need to get off your duff and do something to stop it!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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