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Wednesday, 22 April 2009

image for Susan Boyle Jailed After Exposing Self, Leading Cops on Hayride Chase
Penalties in West Lothian can be severe. Boyle may have to plow her fields with no ox this spring.

WEST LOTHIAN, UK - Susan Boyle, the breakout YouTube sensation who stunned the world with her moving performance of "I Dreamed a Dream," has been arrested for public exposure and reckless driving following an incident in West Lothian yesterday afternoon.

Just after lunch, Ms. Boyle was seen to emerge from McMillan's Pub in Livingston, West Lothian. She was accompanied by an unknown gentlemen wearing a hooded sweatshirt, cap and sunglasses claiming only to be "a bagpipe salesman." Though he bore a strong resemblance to Simon Cowell, no one in the pub could say for sure it was him, as no one there had heard of him.

Looking like a small but husky cross-dressing cowboy accompanied by a tall scarecrow trying to pass for the Unabomber, the two crossed the road, trailed by several waiting paparazzi who had staked out the pub. There, he helped her into an ox-drawn hay cart.

Ms. Boyle then attempted to climb over the seat into the rear of the cart, exposing her private parts as cameras flashed. Grabbing the reigns, she gestured to her companion with a grin. He boarded, and the giggling couple set off across the field trailed by the paparazzi.

Approximately 15 minutes later, cops responded to a call concerning an ox-drawn cart swarming with photographers causing a disturbance at the Deer Park Golf and Country Club. Several units closed in on the cart near Livingston Road, beginning a low speed chase that lasted for nearly a mile.

At one point, they nearly apprehended the pair when the ox stopped for a moment to defecate. Though they slapped its rump repeatedly and with much enthusiasm, it would not budge. However, as the cops closed in, the beast was startled when one particularly cheeky cop passed by its ear a little too closely while shouting into a bullhorn, and it crashed away into some heavy brush at the side of the road, heading roughly toward the Houstoun Industrial Estate.

The cops then pursued on foot, finally apprehending the two on a trail where they were found strewn about with the remains of the cart and the hay. The ox remains at large.

Though many are mystified by Susan Boyle's sudden outburst of outrageous behavior, some experts say it's not so difficult to understand. They say she's just coming out of her shell.

"By flashing her private parts, she may be trying to lure a man," says Dorothy Anstruther, a psychoanalyst and relationship specialist practicing in Edinburgh. "It may be inappropriate, but it's her way of saying she's 'on the market,' so to speak." She also believes Ms. Boyle, as a 48-year old woman who's had "a lot of tough breaks," may now be subconsciously allowing herself to finally live the childhood she never really had.

Nevertheless, the courts may not be so sympathetic. Ms. Boyle will be penalized for her actions, and penalties in the West Lothian area can be quite severe. Locals believe she will probably have to plow her fields with no ox this spring, even if hers is finally found.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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