There was good news for fans of the 1970s today, when world leaders announced that, due to real concerns over environmental issues, the decade that spawned environmentalism, the acceleration of Civil Rights and Feminism, the emergence of Gays from their cupboards and interesting new musical styles in the form of Heavy Rock and Punk, the world is to rewind the clock, and once again embrace the ideals of 40 years ago.
The main reason for the new initiative, however, is that during the 1970s, people looked after their bodies more, mainly by eating less and exercising more. The result of this, was that there were hardly any FAT BASTARDS.
Nowadays, every other person you meet on the street looks like they work in a circus, either as a clown, freak, weightlifter or leotard-clad lion tamer, so rotund are they. Now though, health experts from all corners of the Earth, say that, if we do not change our eating habits, and pay more attention to the state of our bodies, we will all die.
And the fatties will die first.
1970s folks are known to have liked eating nothing better than egg and cress salads, crackerbread sandwiches or drinking a half-glass of tomato juice in their concerted campaigns to become slim, and the thought of becoming overweight, prevented millions from looking like celebrity TV fatty, Vanessa Feltz.
In recent times, however, standards have slipped, along with waistlines and trousers, and girls as young as 12 or 13 years old, think nothing of exposing their sagging guts and hairy cracks of their arses to unsuspecting and disgusted onlookers, who would really rather not see them.
Dr Eva Schtummf, of the University of Berlin, told us:
"Ja, ze fatties haff to go. Zey are a blot on ze landscape. Jast like Poland voss. I mean, iss."