Written by Jalapenoman
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Monday, 20 April 2009

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Students kill one of their own at the instruction of their headmaster.

Roger Evans, headmaster at the Westchester Boys Academy in London, has been arrested on charges of killing young student Bobby Simpson. Evans is accused of having the child shot to death by a group of older boys in a military sciences class. The Headmaster is an American from New Jersey and has been employed in Great Britain for five years.

In his defense, Evans said that "I was told that Gordon Brown had approved and recommended a return to capital punishment in schools. I didn't know that this simply meant caning and other physical punishments."

"In the United States, capital punishment is a term used to describe the death penalty. You use the electric chair, the gas chamber, lethal injection, hanging, or a firing squad. We call physical punishment such as hitting a child with a cane or paddle corporal punishment."

When asked to describe the offenses committed by Bobby Simpson, Evans said that "he put a cockroach in the lunch of David Addles, copied off of Mike Reynolds paper, and forgot his geography project."

Upon hearing of this, Headmistress Anne Archie of New Hope Preparatory Academy in Lancaster (an American from Kentucky) admitted that she had just passed a death sentence on one of her students for pulling a little girl's pigtails. That sentence has been reduced from hanging to two whacks across the bottom.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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