Written by Dan DiLucchio
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Topics: Energy, freedom

Monday, 28 June 2004

image for U.S. Discovers Freedom from Oil
Energy Department Breakthrough

UPI, Holland, June 28, 2004. Faced with increasing pressure from the American consumer for alternative energy sources, President Bush's Secretary of Energy, Spencer Abraham has offered an alternative source of power. Enthusiastic about the wind as a source of electrical power production, Abraham, who emphatically claims he is not related to the biblical Abraham, says individual power production has been under our noses for decades.

Following several Energy Department studies, 4 individuals have been identified as wind test sites: Bill Gates, Steven Jobs, Mr. Wizard and Al Gore. "For best results, we needed a high nerd factor and known beanie wearers," said a clueless Energy Department spokesperson.

Abraham said the government would offer perks for investors willing to look at the new potential source of electrical production from wind. These incentives include waiver of production bonus on the first project and payment of production bonus to the government only after the project has fully recovered pre-operating expenses as stated under Executive Order 777, the law encouraging private sector participation in the exploration and development of ocean, solar and wind energy resources. As an alternative, a major contribution to the Republican Party would also work.

Each of the four individuals will agree to wear the beloved propeller beanie for six years. Gates said he would participate only if his entire family can wear the hats.

"These hats have been around for years and we have never maximized their potential," said someone. The Dutch had this figured out centuries ago and the focus on personal energy production is expected to revolutionize the power industry.

Each propeller hat will be connected to an individual electrical generator. The generator can then be connected to personal appliances like watches, Gameboys, iPods, pacemakers and the like. In the future, batteries will be obsolete.

Through extensive research conduced by the East Stroudsburg State University wind department, "We are now at a point where we can tell those Saudis to kiss off," said East Stroudsburg President Paul Poser.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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