It has recently been discovered that the United States has secretly sent two of its large, smelly "garbage barges" to waters off Somalia in hopes of having them hijacked by ruthless rebel pirates.
We recently boarded the garbage barge "New Jersey" in order to sit down with its commander, Captain Bilge. He stunk, but seemed quite eager to speak with us. When asked whether or not such a crazy scheme would work, he stated, "First of all this is only a test run. As you can see, we understand that these pirates will be tired and hungry by the time they get here, so we are offering them a complimentary continental breakfast. Our croissants are made with real butter, we have only the finest fresh squeezed orange juice from sunny Florida, and my wife canned the blueberry preserves herself. And we use real china plates."
"We are excited about getting hijacked and getting rid of all of this smelly stuff. I'm also getting sick of the seagulls following us around. My wife has already adopted two of them, and I said no more!", he added. "We know that these pirates are desperate, so we'll try our best to convince them that this is a huge shipment of food items and home goods from Walmart. We're think they'll buy it. If they aren't interested, then they can just jump back in their pontoon boats and drift away. No strings attached."
The captain also had an urgent message for any interested pirates: "At this time we are also offering a free copy of last month's USA today and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, one per pirate. But it's only for a limited time, so they need to float on over and attack us within the next week."
Will the experiment work? We didn't want to stick around long enough to find out. Personally, this reporter can't think of anyone who wouldn't hijack a ship for one of those light and flaky all-butter croissants. Just like grandma used to make.