The guru of pop, Madonna Krishnouise Gandhi, today visited Calcutta in India, to give hope to the thousands of children living on the streets there.
'Children of Calcutta', she announced, 'celebrate! I took a holiday from adopting African children to come here, to use my millions to help thousands of desperate children, rather than to use one Malawi kid to get myself into the news. Isn't it great, actually helping people and not being selfish!', and the star began working in a soup kitchen, the one that Mother Teresa had set up for starving children.
'From now on', the Madonna said, 'I'll be using all the royalties from my songs and movies to help the children here. One thing I hate is famous people that never use their wealth to help less fortunate people than themselves, and simply using such people now and then for their own sad ego trips.'
'Princess Di, me, Princess Di, even Princess Di did it, but I'm not doing it any more. That's why I'm here, doing good for children rather than getting myself in the news for buying another African kid.'
Many were impressed by Gandhi's actions, including the Pope, and he had this to say about the Madonna: 'If it wasn't for the Church banning contraception, there would be no African children up for adoption. Luckily Madonna is now doing practical things to help children, rather than taking one or two out of their safe environments, and turning them into a freak show in America.'
'Krishnouise is putting faith into action, unlike me, who is putting art treasures away for a rainy day. Still, Jesus would have ignored the poor like I do, though he said the exact opposite - luckily the Madonna isn't ignoring the poor, and is now working full time in Calcutta. So the Vatican will ignore her and give her no help, the same as it gave no help to Mother Teresa.'
This is not the first time Madonna Gandhi has helped children, as three years ago she rescued a child in Malawi that had been kidnapped by an American pop star, and only a few weeks ago she stopped that pop star trying to steal another African child.
Krishnouise has become a cult figure amongst social workers and child protection agencies, and one of her biggest fans - Michael Jackson - said 'Hey, think I'll move to Africa, there must be thousands of children there that I could adopt!'
Madonna was serving up minestrone in Calcutta, with chunks of baloney in it.