The US President today, in South Bratislavonia, begged the world to stop laughing at American Presidents.
'People of the world', he gravely intoned, like he was Abraham Lincoln or something, or at least a Hollywood Lincoln, 'laughing at Nixon was OK. He was slippery, he was a liar, and man, did he sweat! And Carter, sure, with his cheesy idiotic grin and landing America in all sorts of embarrassing situations.'
'Reagan, yes, we can say with certainty he was as dumb as a water buffalo crossing a crocodile-infested river. And George W Bush, the world's favorite moron, the clown's clown, the creme de la cretin. But now, my fellow Bratislaves, we're in need of a change, a change that moves us on, on and up - up, up away in my hot-air-fuelled balloon, yes, the time has come for the world to stop laughing at our glorious Presidents. Over to you, George.'
'Well, Bally, when you a-said that the US wasn't at war with Ireland, I sure agreed. Heck, I've met some fine Irishlims in Turkeyleg, and - and, what the hell are we talkin' about?'
'Thank you, Mr President. A new era is dawning, where, although a President can speak correctly, though sounding like a 10 year-old playing 'the courtroom lawyer' in a school play, he can still not have a scooby snack about the world and its complexities.'
'In Britain I was against Islamic fundamentalist terror, in France I was all for ties with the EU, in Turkey I was pro-Muslim. What next? Going to China and saying I'm a communist? Going to Moscow and doing a bit of cossack dancing, while drinking 100% proof vodka? Going to Germany and saying I have nothing against the Nazis? Man, no wonder the world is laughing at me now. Oops.'
But Bush gave Mr Obama some fatherly advice. 'Barry', he said, 'when I was in the White House I kept going through the wrong doors. Once I ended up in the wine cellar, and you can imagine my red face when I accidentally wandered into Condi's bedroom, and found her there with -. But anyway, where were I? Yes, Albamia is where you need to go, Banany, they likes American Presidents there.'
'Thank you, Mr Bush', Obama said. 'And now in my ridiculously self-important manner, like an evangelist preacher asking for your money, I will make this pronouncement from my hotel in Bratislavonia.'
'When George went to Europe - to Britain, to France, to Albania, to that little island next to Cos - my fellow where-ever-I-am-ians, no matter how hard the world's problems had manifested themselves the world could still fall about laughing at George making a fool of himself.'
'And I know we all agree I'm doing exactly the same thing, so maybe we could do a double act - the Georgie Porgy and Bess Obama Show, or the Two Stooges. Or the Russia and Chinese make America look like a Joke Show. Or maybe not.'
President Obama's next stop will be in Outer Mongolia, another place where people really care who he is.