TALIBAN-A-BAD, ISLAMISTAN: In this newly declared nation located in what was once a picturesque Northern Pakistan resort all that remains is a mass of rubble. Here, the Taliban ride shotgun, dispensing a perverted form of Islamic justice - having received the blessings of the impotent Pakistani administration to impose Sharia law.
A Pakistani Army official speaking on the condition of anonymity said: "We have sold our soul to the devil. Forget India, the great enemy that we have been brainwashed into believing. Now we have seen the true enemy, the Shaitaan - and it is us."
Health officials attempting to vaccinate 300,000 children against polio have been threatened and warned away as the ignorant, illiterate, unwashed, sexually-repressed barbarian-Taliban hordes AKA the 'dispensers of moral justice' pretend to save their people (i.e. those who have managed to barely survive starvation and brutal whippings).
Chief of Diseases Mike Robe said: "Pakistan is on the verge of the worst kind of epidemic which will soon spread to the rest of the world. We have now identified new strains hitherto unseen since the Crusades.
"Particularly frightening are the Big 3 - Kneesels, Toelio and Smallcox - the last one affecting young Taliban males".
President Asif Ali Zardari, freshly-shaven and heavily brilliantined - preparing for yet another trip to the UAE appeared on his favorite American network show to assure the world, schmoozing:
"Lah-ree, vee in Pakistan are quite vell-prepared to take on these illnesses as the UN has said vee have the best health program in the medieval vorld".