World leaders defied rioters in London by secretly staging the G20 Summit at a little-known Bed-and-Breakfast establishment in Eastbourne.
As masked thugs grappled with police in Threadneedle Street, the politicians were ensconced at The Esplanade, an AA 1-star guest house near the pier.
Owner/landlady Mrs. Betty Futtock, 67, was initially unaware of the importance of her guests. "There was a very aggressive little Frenchman who demanded croissants for breakfast," she reports. "When I offered him beans on toast he stormed out, muttering things about 'les rosbifs' and 'haute cuisine'. I couldn't understand a word and told him to bugger off. He demanded to be flown to Corsica but I don't know if you can get there from Bournemouth airport."
Mrs. Futtock was also less than impressed by the behaviour of Chancellor Angela Merkel. "The short, dumpy German woman made a horrible scene when she was asked to share a bathroom with the Polish gentleman," she said. "I offered to upgrade her to an en-suite but she refused, saying she'd never get it back on expenses."
Other customers were more appealing. "I was very taken by the dark American chap. I thought he looked familiar and congratulated him on his performance in 'Men In Black'. He was ever so polite and didn't touch the mini-bar."
Mrs. Futtock did recognize the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. "He seemed a bit withdrawn," she said. "He went to bed at about 10pm when the rest of them were chatting in the Lounge Bar, and had porridge for breakfast. He also tried to haggle about his bill, but my Norman sorted him out."
Due to inclement weather, none of the distinguished visitors was able to enjoy the delights of the pier or promenade, but Eastbourne's other attractions caught their fancy.
"My Norman took them to the Puppet Museum and the Lifeboat Station," revealed Mrs. Futtock. "He was going to drive them up to Beachy Head but he thought in the current climate that wasn't such a good idea."
Best tipper among the G20 delegates was the Japanese Prime Minister, Taro Aso. "He was very pleased when we served him his fish and chips cold. Actually the chef had f*cked up but we didn't let on."
Meanwhile, at the ExCel Arena, angry crowds gathered to shout abuse and throw traffic cones as effigies of the leaders, borrowed for the day from Madame Tussaud's, were wheeled in for the 'fake' summit. Astonishingly, none of the demonstrators noticed that the body of the Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, had been replaced inadvertently by that of the late Ken Dodd.
The only person to realise the subterfuge was the Prince of Wales, who, after being introduced, declared, "They're just a bunch of bloody waxworks!"
The 'Eastbourne Declaration', which will commit all the G20 nations to peace, love and shutting the f*ck up about climate change, will be published on Friday at a price of $199.99.