God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO's and other business leaders who have helped to create the present world-wide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn't stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willing agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis).
In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title 'Raising Hell' created the new Hell around the concept of a really unpleasant theme park. And, to be honest, Beelzebub didn't have to adapt the concept very far.
The new hell will comprise of the following:
- Instead of having cars, auto CEO's will have to travel on unicycles.
- In return for each bonus received executives must give up one body organ.
- They can take all their money with them, but all there will be able to buy is dried sow ears, pickled jelly fish and habanero sauce.
- Swimming pools will be filled with boiling hot cooking oil.
- Anyone involved in the real estate collapse has to make his living selling homes in Antarctica.
- They can bring all their earthly goods with them in hell, but not the electricity or batteries to run them.
- All cars will have pull rope starters like lawn mowers, except they must use their teeth.
- Corporate jets can only be flown 30 feet off the ground.
- Servants can be had, but will always address you as 'asshole' instead of 'sir'.
- Commuting to work can only be by subway- under it, not in it.
- Beautiful women will be available but they will be lacking sexual organs, which will make their monthly cycles a permanent, day to day torment which they will gladly share with everyone.
- All residents in this hell will be able to continue on with their earthly careers, except that they will be paid in Karothian Schontels, which can only be used to buy goods that have to do with hemorrhoids.
- Muzak will be played constantly throughout the place and will consist of rap music played backwards at a higher, chipmunk rate of speed.
- Alcoholic beverages will be available but must be drunken through the nose via a straw.
- Television will run for two hours a day starting at 3 AM and consist of Bulgarian stock market reports, Peruvian soap operas and the same Seinfeld episode over and over again.
- All haircuts will be done with Cuisinarts.
- All toilets will be located in walk in freezer units.
- All legal papers will have small print so tiny that no one can read them. Decisions concerning their content will be made by Satan according to his mood at the time.
- Contrary to popular belief, religious groups WILL be able to proselytize in Hell; they will just be more obnoxious and adamant there than in normal life. (This is true irony at its most profound.)
- Massages will only be given using numchucks.
- Clown boots with slick bottoms will be the only footwear available.
- Eyeglass lenses will have a mandatory one inch thickness.
The world's press is waiting anxiously for the opening of the new hell, with many pundits expecting (hoping and praying) that Rupert Murdoch will be the first to enter.