Written by Roy Turse
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Friday, 27 March 2009

image for No International Olympic Torch Relay in 2012
The unlit torch will be carried in this protective casing

International torch relays have been scrapped for future Olympics, says the olympic committee. Problems with protestors and heavy-handed policing of the relay preceding the last Olympics have been given as the reasons.

However, the committee has confirmed that a torch relay is to be held within the UK leading up to the London 2012 games opening ceremony. The proposals for the torch relay have recently completed a risk assessment by the Health and Safety Executive, and the details have now been published.

In the lead up to the 2012 games, the unlit torch will be carried in a clamp mounted on the roof of an electric-powered car, which will be driven around Britain's M25 motorway at 30 mph. When the car reaches the London Olympic Stadium the torch will be carried by two trained operatives in hard hats and high-visibility vests who will lift the torch (bending at the knees) up to the five foot high Perpetual Olympic Flame Display. After a short safety delay while the operatives retire to a concrete bunker, this will light up in a blaze of colour using twenty built-in low energy bulbs.

The watching world will see once and for all that London can uphold the Olympic ideals of energy efficiency, and safety in the workplace.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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