Boffins at Edinburgh University have discovered, after doing years of extensive experimentation and guinea pig trials (at taxpayers expense), that everything once thought bad for you is in fact not only very good for you but it can also cure things like Depression, Amnesia, Acute Vertigo and Advanced Rabies.
Professor Malcolm McSpinegrapple said in his makeshift thesis. "Och it's soooo amazing. Not too many tartan moons ago we were saying that things like Coffee, Tea and Whiskey were bad for you, but och aye de noo, now, we know beyond ALL DOUBT that all of these och things once branded as och awful can now be categorized as bloody elixirs of life Jimmy!!"
I asked Professor McSpinegrapple to give me some examples of his theory in action.
"Well, take my aunt Kitty" he said, in a thick Glaswegian accent. "That silly old bat Drank Whiskey by the Bucket-Load, Smoked Like a Chimney and Ate Lard-Drenched Fish and Chips for Breakfast, Dinner and Tea for most of her life - and she still outlived her pet cat Mitzi!!!"
"Any other examples I sniggered?"
"Hamish the butcher, ok he was only 32 when he died but he was Teetotal, Never Touched Chips and was a Vegetarian for most of his life too! But of course he was the flip side to the argument!"
"What killed him then, I asked inquisitively?"
"Sadly, a lorry laden with Fat-Free-Haggis' careered off the road on a bleak wintry Glaswegian morning, smashed his shop to smithereens, and poor Hamish was never seen again."
"I take it you eat all the right things then Professor?"
"Och aye" he replied: "I love a good Glasgow Salad me!" (Bag of Chips).