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Friday, 27 March 2009

image for Catholic Church to Allow Fellatio; Cunnilingus
Previous Pope Paul frowned on oral sex.

In a dramatic reversal from previous Papal policies, Pope Benedict XVI announced today that the Catholic Church will allow men to receive fellatio and women to enjoy cunnilingus. However, certain restrictions will apply to both acts.

The Pope's decision was made after consulting with married men and women who claimed that the policy forbidding fellatio and cunnilingus was dampening their sex lives. Therefore, the Pope granted exemptions to men and women who had been married at least 25 years and were beyond childbearing years to enjoy oral sex without restrictions. However, for young couples who are still fertile, the restriction remains in place.

"The Bible says to be fruitful and multiply", the Pontiff stated during a rare interview. "You can't be fruitful and multiply if your penis is in her mouth or if your mouth is where your penis is supposed to be!"

Many older parishioners welcomed the new Church policy. "I've been trying to get my wife to go down on me for 30 years", said 58-year-old daily churchgoer Anthony Arcidi. "But she kept saying 'no, it offends God'. Now she'll have no excuses!"

Arcidi's wife Joanne said, "if he expects me to suck him off then he better be ready to return the favor and do some munching!"

Many of the younger churchgoers expressed displeasure with the Papal decision. "I don't want to wait until I'm 50 before I can get a blow job!" said 25 year old Josh Peterson of St Judas Church.

The Pope promised to clarify the Churches stance on other sexual 'do's and 'don'ts' such as anal sex, masturbation, sex toys and S&M sometime in the near future.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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