Written by bonzodog64
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Jade Goody

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

image for Fist and foot in mouth Jade to be celebrated; Full English to be followed by some hard core Swedish
The quantity of genuine sorrow expressed by the media toward a young, clueless Britain who they formally vilified and persec

To Ongar in Essex where a cloud of melancholy hangs over the town following the premature death of its most celebrated resident, Jade Goody.

The Essex horizon, normally obscured by the smoke from burning tyres, schools, mattresses or abandoned vehicles was today transformed by garlands of flowers removed from lampposts and cemeteries and hoisted proudly onto the bonnets and roof racks of innumerable white vans.

Burberry Union flags were at half-mast at the anti social services centre, benefits office and remand facility. Country lanes, normally clogged and heaving with groups of vigorous and enthusiastic "doggers" were deserted as a mark of respect to Ms Goody.

The local Porn brokers are offering a full sovereign ring buff free and a chunky choker for an extra sixty-nine as a celebratory gesture.

Giros, normally cashed only on a Thursday can be exchanged for a payday loan supplied with a free, commemorative Bull Mastiff, "bitch" toy that shouts "Poppadoms" when you rub it up the wrong way.

At midday today, the whole population of Ongar will stuff their fist and then their foot into their mouths and then into the mouth of those immediately to the far right as a mark of respect to Jade and her achievements.

There will be a complete lack of silence for far longer than three minutes as the celebratory buffet and "meat raffle" degenerates into a booze-fuelled brawl that spills out on to resident's respective lawns, or drives.

In order to accommodate the volume of fighting expected, residents of Ongar are being asked to take the engines and gearboxes off the drive to make room for much needed "elbow, fist, head, and knee room.

A boy racer display team is expected to drive recklessly through the town centre performing hand brake turns and tyre screeching in some stolen performance cars.

To conclude the tribute, Essex County Council have built a sculpture of Jade using nothing more than the counties previous three days worth of street refuse and dog excrement.

"We feel this would be an appropriate and fitting tribute to Jade and her achievements. The sculpture will be unveiled by Cliff Maxford along with TV's Davina McColl," explained a council spokeswoman.

Death appears to have been an excellent career move for Jade as Hollywood agents continue to scramble over themselves to offer film work to her agent. Cliff Maxford, Jades publicity vulture has promised to review the film opportunities for suitability, "for the sake of the boys!"

Parts mooted to date by insiders include the contents of the ashtray in the Casablanca remake, "Mother", in "Psycho 8", and some scary scenery in the forthcoming Indiana Jones film.

Make bonzodog64's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 2?

4 19 2 22

Go to top