Pope Benedict, on his first visit to Africa, today claimed that no contraception and people that can hardly afford to eat sending their money to the Vatican is helpful to the African people.
'It's helpful', he said in Cameroon. 'OK, it isn't, but it's the thought that counts. Er ...', and as an aide whispered 'don't mention AIDS, or the War!', the Pontiff continued, 'this is not the 21st century, and I was only obeying orders. I mean, I was never a member of the Nazi Party. Doh! I mean Jesus was a good National Socialist. Oops!', and the aide took his place at the press conference - again.
'What His Holy Hypocriticalness means is that as long as you believe a rabbi came back to life 2,000 years ago, when it's been more or less scientifically proved he survived his own crucifixion, and that his mother was a virgin, which is impossible, and that when a rabbit sneezes a baby is born, and that the Vatican never smuggled hundreds of psychopathic Nazi murderers to South America, or has more artwork than a museum in New York ...'
'Where was I? Oh yes, then you should bleat some latin nonsense twice a day and never use contraception, and send the few bits of money you have to Rome to let us buy more paintings. Sounds a pretty practical way of serving God, doesn't it? Oi!' he suddenly shouted, 'take that Protestant outside, and have him tortured to death for criticising His Holy Fascisticness!'
Many have wondered what exactly a German man, who was a member of the Nazi Party and dresses in women's clothing, is doing going to a part of the world that suffers from starvation and AIDS, from dictators and famine, and from disease and colonialism, but the Pope himself had a quick answer to all these puzzles.
'It's easy', he said. 'First the Roman Empire was formed, then when it was crumbling it became the Roman Catholic religion, and took the teachings of Jesus and ignored them, and replaced them with the garbage that St Paul invented, and created an Empire of intolerance and violence and colonialism leading to millions being murdered across the world, for the glory and power of Rome.'
'If only those blasted Protestants hadn't come along, things would have been perfect for me. Thankfully, the Holy Inquisition of Psychopaths were around to do what Jesus taught, which was to torture millions to death in the name of Christ. You couldn't make up the Roman Catholic religion, it would be laughed out of court if you did. No coincidence that Adolf Hitler was a Catholic, is it?'
Martin Luther was seen buying some nails in his local D-I-Y shop in Dresden. Another thousand African children died of AIDS today, but luckily for the Pope they died as Roman Catholics.