Washington,DC/ Report from the Surgeon General/Urgent! - President Obama declared a state of emergency today and imposed martial law after D.C. Health Officials stated the HIV/AIDS rate was 3% of the population and climbing.
All approaches to the capitol including air terminals, bus stations, and major highways leading to the city were shut down, effectively isolating the nation's government. HAZMAT officials were also burning down all Public Restrooms, Tanning Salons, and Theraputic Massage Parlors in an effort to control the spread of the affliction.
Health officials claim sexually transmitted diseases are climbing exponentially, and are now higher than in West Africa and on a par with Uganda and parts of Kenya, home of he newly elected President.
President Obama, addressing the nation, blamed the crisis on a "previous administration" which fostered promiscuity, drug use, and "recreational sex" on an unsuspecting public.
Obama said he was forced to flee the capitol in order to continue pushing for his agenda of "Change" and "Social Equality", and insure confidence in the Government of the US by performing daily duties, forming "study groups" in order to keep the country running.
Obama, speaking from Camp Hussein in Hawaii, and wearing a full HAZMAT suit, said the unequal distribution of the diseases, almost 70% of the black population were affected, was one of the reasons he is pushing for the equal distribution of wealth, and now, equal infection rates. " Our citizens, so long the victim of unequal distribution of the good things in life, now must make some sacrifices, and share some of the bad," he said seriously, gazing into the teleprompter.
Former President Bill Clinton immediately made a statement concerning Obama's oblique reference to a "prior administration."
"I agree wholeheartedly with the President. Those who practiced "Sex", according to Webster's International Dictionary, are most certainly to blame, and we can lay the problem directly on their doorstep, in whatever Red State they live in!."
The former President's wife, current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, was not available for comment, as she was in the Mayo Clinic having extensive blood workups to find out why her upper body was shrinking, but her ass was growing out of all proportion.
Steve Gobie, a play for pay sex object, and the former Protegee and Errand Boy for House Speaker Barney Frank, said he's known for years that aids was on the rise in the Capitol. Gobie, who charged Frank $80 for "a date", says due to the scare, he is barely getting by and his services are down to $7.50.
"Without the annuity Barney arranged for me in the Pre-Anal agreement, I would be having a hard time making my ends meet," he said sadly.
Eliot Spitzer, who provided his own stimulus for the DC prostitution industry paying $5500 an hour for "services" before he was "outed" and forced to give up the Governorship of NY, said he is trying to make amends. He and his Farther, Bernard, recently purchased an office complex for $189 million, just "around the corner" from the Mayflower Hotel, where Spitzer had his Trysts.
"Don't look at me, " Spitzer said when told of the aids outbreak, " Just ask Ashley, I always practiced safe sex!"
House Speaker, third in line to the Presidency, Nancy Pelosi, broadcast an appeal from her "safe room" in the Star Kist Tuna factory located in American Somoa. Pelosi, whose nose kept running, which caused the Madam some irritation, said she was prepared to take over the running of the nation, "should somehow this African disease, now threatening our great nation, suddenly incapacitate our Great President, and his Ass Hole Buddy, Joe.!"
According to sources, Pelosi has ordered all the toilet seats in the entire fleet of Air Force planes be wiped down and sterilized before she will fly again.
Pelosi, speaking for the President, said she would be commissioning a special steering group to study the health problem, "and I am willing to prosecute those that are responsible, no matter who they may be, or where they sit in Government!"
Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh has gained a consensus amongst the remaining uninfected state Governors, to take charge of the daily running of the country, and install an AIDS embargo on Michigan, Pennsylvania, California, Colorado ,Illinois, Massachusetts and possibly Vermont, depending on the temperature there today.
"We've got to react quickly to stop the spread of this infectious disease," he said, "but I think we've got them isolated and there will certainly be some collateral damage, but as the President said, some of us have to make sacrifices in order for us to be a healthy country again!"