Guantanamo Bay/ Federal Economic Detainee News - A shaken Bernie Madoff, FINALLY placed in Federal Custody, was removed to isolation in this Cuban Federal Penal Colony after sexual threats from Bankrupt Inmates said they were planning to have him Stuffed, and eventually have him Snuffed for the Financial Screwing he gave THEM, said to exceed $50 Billion.
The island prison, recently vacated after the Obama Administration found no cause to hold alleged enemy combatants accused of killing hundreds of Coalition Forces, innocent civilians, and children, is already filling up with America's most infamous Financial Felons, and the expectations that more will soon be arriving.
The facilities are tailor made for the new arrivals, and the new Commandant, Marine Colonel Jack Nicholson, said that no taxpayer funds will be needed for additional renovations.
"We already have Big Screen TV's, and they only show one channel, CNBC with financial news, and a special treat at 6 PM featuring Jim Cramer and "MAD MONEY. Everything to make our guests comfortable has been accounted for" said the Colonel.
"We have Monopoly games, ping pong, badminton, and Mr. Madoff said he will be starting a Cricket Team, and possibly a separate league, depending on how many of his family members, Democrats, union officials, and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies join him here!"
Nicholson said that at first Madoff continued to demand 5 star meals, foot massages, and valet service, but became docile after being subjected to a "Code Red" issued to guards by the maniacal Colonel. Code Red consists of unruly prisoners being stuffed in a barrel and subject to sexual assault. It is also referred to as "Porkulus", in honor of Obama's Stimulus Bills, according to Nicholson.
Arizona Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said that government had adopted his unique plan of having felons pay their own way, and the the $125 million squirreled away by Madoff's wife Ruth, and other family members was confiscated and turned over to Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner for reinvestment to pay for Madoff's incarceration.
Fox News, has learned through a Freedom of Information Act, however, that Geithner, acting in concert with House Banking Chairman Barney Frank, had turned the money over to a failing Boston Based Minority Banking Institution which promptly dispensed $50 million in bonuses, and replaced the one year old fleet of Porsche Carreras with larger Bentleys. The remaining funds were lent to Nigeria which promised a 60% daily return investing in "foreign Currency and South American Pharmaceuticals."
According to Sources, President Obama, reacting to the news, has appointed yet another Commission to study the situation, and report back to him by "Happy Hour" this afternoon. This is the 9,872nd study commission that Obama has mandated, and unemployment amongst Democrats is now at minus 120 percent, with new partisan government jobs swelling 500% to 3.5 million.
Sales of Madoff's book, "How to Become a Brazilianaire", is now #1 on Amazon, and has surpassed Obama's Fictional Work "The Marketing of a President", a unique literary account written by 32 different Spoof Writers in a Creative Writing Class sponsored by The New York Times.