Written by bonzodog64
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Wednesday, 11 March 2009

image for Keith Richards: "I am stone throwing rock primate with unfinished monkey business.

Keith "the rock behemoth" Richards is growing old disgracefully in his new enclosure following a fall from a palm tree eighteen months ago. He continues to exhibit some bizarre behaviour that scientists claim may be linked to a higher cognitive development and a sense of being with little regard for the future. "personally, I have been out of my mind for as long as I can remember", claims Keith.

Keepers at Furuvik Zoo found that keith the arthritic old chimp collected and stored stones records and rocks that he would later use as missiles. During one drunken rampage, the aged guitarist smashed his instrument and threw it at a Brian Jones lookalike in the crowd. Until recently, Keith the chimp occasionally received standing ovations for his riffs and antics in addition to huge fees for touring but age has caught up with him. Mick and Charlie do not want to be thrown by Keith and prefer to disassociate themselves from some of his more abrasive and belligerent antics. "Just recently all the attention seems to aggravate Keith, leading to his refusal to do any encores.

Further, the chimp learned to recognise how and when parts of his concrete enclosure could be pulled apart to fashion further projectiles and blues riffs. "Falling, and generally being out of my tree man and all that crazy stuff helped me loosen up and find some groovy gear that I would stash to use later on those groovers and cats", said Keith. Leading experts claim that Zoo chimp Keith 'planned' getting stoned attacks by aaranging visits Off licences andf builders yards to stock up on ammunition.

The findings are reported in the journal Current Biology and the New Musical Express.

There has been scant evidence in previous research that major rock primates can plan for future events. Keith however has learnt to use a very small spoon to ingest a curious white powder and a corkscrew to open wine bottles. Occasionally Keith goes out with a chauffeur to visit friends at 'Monkey world', The Groucho Club, or West Wittering in East Sussex for a bit of fishing and a Mars Bar or two up the entrance to the "Old Mucky duck"!

Crucial to the current study is the fact that Keith, a chimpanzee at the zoo in the city north of Stockholm, collected all his gear in a calm state, prior to the zoo opening in the morning. By the afternoon, he is absolutely out of his mind, ranting and whooping incoherently. At around 2.00pm Keith enjoys hurling abuse, rocks and empty Jack Daniels bottles at passersby."Eventually he falls out of his tree and we put him back in his box to sleep it off", claims Lars the 'keeper'

Occasionally the Mancunian monkey boy Ian Brown joins Keith for the 'crack' and some unfinished monkey business.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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