VATICAN - ROME: The current Emperor of Rome AKA Pope Rat-finker, an ex-Nazi turned Gucci-Prada loving fashionista(?) has decided that the only way to regain his 'grip' on the Catholic Church is to take a page out of the Taliban book.
To this extent he has now taken to issuing 'fatwas' - the latest being an edict on the no-use of modern electronic gadgets during Lent. Banned gadgets include cars, iPods, washing machines, microwaves, telephones, tv sets. Faithful Catholic women have been warned not to use vibrators
A Vatican spokesman said "We call it a high-tech fast. We'd like to prevent Catholics from watching any tv, reading newspapers or relying on the media for information. The Church wants to take Catholics back to the Dark Ages so we can control their minds, body and soul".
When reminded by this reporter that this was no different than fatwas issued by Taliban mullahs and was doomed to fail, the spokesman said: "Yes, that is why we have warned Catholics of eternal damnation in the fires of Hell"
The spokesman Cardinal Burl O'Scooney also stated: "We have observed the success of the Taliban and Al-Qaeda in distorting their religion. We cannot have our kingdom - er, Church go to Hell in a handbasket because where would that leave us? It's self-preservation, after all in this economy what jobs could we get?
So, we've embarked on a new policy to scare the holy shit out of the few Catholics left. If we can terrify them and their families we can slowly start taking over the world once again".