Written by Bureau
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Wednesday, 4 March 2009

image for Manilow Music Scatters Troubled Youth
Can Also Serve As Music-Blockers

A mall in Christchurch, New Zealand is attempting to rid themselves of drunken and drugged kids causing them problems by playing the music of Barry Manilow.

The New Zealand city hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones into the music to be broadcast through the central mall district can pacify unruly teens who congregate there, or at least convince them to go elsewhere.

"Actually, we know they won't be able to stand it because he'll put them to sleep if they stay", stated one business owner.

"The intention is to change the environment in a positive way ...yawnnnnn! Excuse me, so nobody feels threatened or intimidated," Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale told The Associated Press. "I did not SAY Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction. I'll leave that up to each in..divid..ual...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons at the outdoor mall, he said.

"The first three nights have been a mixed blessing. Most of the troubled kids are gone but so is everybody else. Confidentially, I think I'll close up soon or wind up crazy as a hairlipped hyena!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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