Dublin, Ireland/ Banking News - A daring daylight robbery at the College Green Branch Bank of Ireland in Dublin, left the An Garda Siochana (the coppers) shaking their heads in appreciation of the craft and guile employed in the looting of the vault.
Seven of the alleged robbers are now in custody after a 3 hour high speed chase on a roundabout in down town Dublin ended when the driver of the getaway car got dizzy and crashed into a for hire Peugeot. The Garda have charged the driver with drink driving, and bailing out a bank without a permit. The masterminds are still at large...along with $2M.
The robbery was kicked off in the early evening when a blind beggar was admitted to the home of the Bank Manager under the pretext of selling subscriptions to the new World Wide Newspaper, The Spoof.
"He was a right fine fellow, " the manager, whose name is being withheld, opined, "very knowledgeable about football and every Benny Hill episode ever shown on the Telly...he could even do most of the dialogues of all the characters! Charming, really!"
The manager said they had quite a long chat, and eventually he was persuaded to sign up for a 2 year subscription.
At this time however, the manager realized something was wrong, as he was suddenly threatened with a sword cane, and the blind beggar turned out not to be blind at all!
While holding the manager at bay, the intruder admitted 6 other members of what the garda is now calling a tough North Dublin Soccer Gang, into the house and they proceeded to round up members of the manager's extended family for hostage.
Under threat of dire harm to his loved ones, the manager was forced to proceed to his bank prior to operating hours, and loot the vault of over $9 stuffed in flour sacks. The gang then released all but one of the hostages on a motorway, before making their getaway.
Under interrogation, the remaining hostages said the Bank Manager's "girl friend" had formed an intense relationship with one of her hostages who read poetry to her, and was seen giving her a soothing massage in the vicinity of her nether regions in order to keep her calm.
Those arrested, ages 20-28, are keeping mum so far on their leaders. Garda officers assert however, that the masterminds are definitely older and mature, given the nature of the scheme, and the sly way they had in the manner of insinuating themselves into the house, and the seductive way they made off with the pliable woman.
A female Garda Inspector, the distaff investigators were identified as "banghardas" until 1990 when Spoof Writer Fergus McCarthy wrote a definitive, salacious parody based on the title, said leads were few, and the chances of catching the leaders were probably slim.
Two prime suspects have been questioned, but both claim to have been in a pub together, playing darts at the time of the crime. " These blokes are quite thick with each other and have been on our radar for sometime, Inspector Bloviate stated, "but one will lie, and the other will swear to it!"
In a spirit of cooperation, the Garda has called on Scotland Yard, and at great personal sacrifice have temporarily assigned crack criminal investigator Inspector Morse to liaison concerning the case.
The taciturn Morse, always understated, misunderstood, and underestimated, said it was only a matter of time till the case was solved. "These kind of capers always come unravelled, eventually. Right now the mugs are laughing it up, chatting away on the internet, but they'll be turned right soon enough! Clever sods, but sods they are....it's just a matter of time till they fall out with each other. These types always do...they'll just wind up outspoofing themselves!"
A reward of $500,000 has been posted on The Spoof, and reports indicate the Forum is now clogged with "tips."
"The rats are on the run now,"said Morse, " you just need to know how to bait the trap. Toasted Cheese usually does it every time!"
More News as It Becomes Available.