Dubai, UAE, / News from Economic Journalistic Summit - Following close on the heels of US Journalistic news that he Rocky Mountain News was closing its doors after 150 years of journalistic excellence, that Hearst's San Francisco Chronicle was not far behind, and that the NY Times, was well, also sucking wind, TheSpoof.com news staff said it was ready to step up to the plate and fill the void.
TheSpoof.com, was recently sold by sole proprietor and editor, Sir Mark Lowton, in a leveraged buyout to to a syndicate of leading staff writers.The complicated buyout was handled by Corporate Legal Raider, the Duchess Q. Mudder, and her second chair the Honorable Horace Rumphole.
Lowton will be to retiring to his estate in Cornhole, and tend to his sheep and oil interests on the Shetland Isles. He was more than ready to turn over the reigns to his former minions.
"I had a very low overhead," he said about TheSpoof.com, " and for the most part, except for my favorites, I paid them peanuts. Sadly, with the recent Salmonella outbreak in the colonies, I lost some of my best writers to the tainted peanut outbreak, not mates, you understand, but semi-close cousins, that did more than their share to bring in continued revenue to the site."
A choked up Lowton, his eyes misting over, said after he regained his composure, "I really couldn't go on after the loss...they were good mates, after all, even with all their self doubts, huge egos, and their continued efforts to inflate their expense checks...but it was all in fun, really...bugger all, I'll miss them dearly!"
Monkey Woods, Senior Writer and spokesman for the new ownership staff, said Lowton should sleep well with the $40M buyout, plus the 2% residuals he negotiated on all newsstand sales in the EU, US, UAE, former USSR and Kenya.
Business Brokers quoted on the BBC business channel said Lowton got out just in time to avoid the class action suits sure to come, as the illegitimate bastards of the deceased writers were sure to go after him claiming he forced his staff to choke on the poisonous compensation, while he himself enjoyed caviar, the finest steak and kidney pie, blood pudding, and the most aged cheese for his sandwiches, that money could buy.
Bankers for the buyout were from a wide spectrum of the Financial World, all who had personally fallen in love with TheSpoof.com's insight on world affairs, and their delight at being themselves highlighted in some of the fast breaking Spoof Scoops.
Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid el Maktoum , one of the biggest backers, wants to host the annual Spoof Picnic, and especially made a point of wanting to meet New Mexico's leading Spoofer, the indomitable Jalopenoman. "That man's got a head on him, " the Sheik said slyly, while winking to his bodyguards.
Former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain has applied for a Board of Director position, and would bring valuable expertise to the table when it came to executive compensation, a long ignored issue from the former ownership team. His nomination is expected to pass by voice vote from the formerly impoverished writers.
The entire Obama Presidential Election Team is staunchly behind the acquisition, and Rahm Emanuel, Chief of Staff for Obama, reiterated the DEMS were morally, and financially committed to the successes of the venture.
Emanuel was effusive, and grateful for the support received by Spoof Writers during the tough election campaign in 2008. "Without you F******guys, we woulda' been no more than F****** losers again...we're down with you from now on....you need anything, call Barney...nottin' is too good for youse guys."
Newsstand prices are expected to run from $3-5 per copy, and $10 for the Sunday edition. Ad revenues are flooding in, and yearly subscriptions requests are "through the roof".
Acting Editor, Jesus Budda, said TheSpoof.com will continue to provide the same profane, irreverent, and disgraceful reporting that brought it to the forefront of yellow journalism today, but that all illustrations of sexual reproductive organs referenced in the leading stories will now be in full colour.
"Oh My God," said Chris Matthews when he heard about TheSpoof.com, "my leg is tingling and it's getting hard!"