Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 27 February 2009

image for Universe Ends. Dow Jones Rises 50% On News.
There goes the neighborhood

(New York-NY) The universe officially ended today, but in a surprising reaction the Dow Jones average rose fifty-percent. Its highest gain in, since time no longer exists those details were unavailable as of this writing.

The fifty-percent gain paired with nonexistence was a surprise to many market analysts. "Generally, a cataclysmic event such as a flood or earthquake may have either a negative or negligible effect on the Dow indices," said CNBC's analyst David Faber. "But to have such a positive jump is unheard of." Faber then added that since this was not only unprecedented but the history to research the event was no longer available "we must be cautious in order to see if this is actually the beginning of an economic recovery or just short term buying."

Regardless of the cause, Democrats are crediting the Obama administration. "In any other administration, the end of the world would cause world wide panic," said Democrat strategist James Carville. "With the opposite occurring and the DOW going up fifty percent, what other conclusion can you draw than it's due to the ground work laid by the Obama administration?" However, Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner released a statement that showed a more tempered view. "While the stimulus package may have played a role in this current financial up tick, we must be cautious in our optimism. Too much false confidence is what caused the current melt down. And let's face it. The end of the world presents many challenges that have yet to be known. The least of which is how can I even be releasing this statement if I no longer exist?"

The end of the universe has not put an end to the bipartisan politics that came out during the Congressional stimulus debate. "This bill hasn't had time to have any effect, let alone bring the U.S. economy back," said Senate Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "If anything now that there are no more homes much less homeowners to bail out, the irresponsible government spending becomes starkly apparent."

Which brought an instant response from Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid, "It is so very much like my Republican colleagues to put up a philosophical smoke screen like the meaning of existence to detract from what the current administration has done." Senator McConnell maintains that now that there are no more homes to bail out we should cut spending. But I see it as that much more in resources we can put behind building up our infrastructure, which more than ever needs it since it no longer exists.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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