Washington, DC/ All the News Fit to Print from The Mint and Then Some! - Newly minted Secretary of Treasury, Tim Geithner, appearing at a hastily called news conference with his tie poorly knotted and his shoes untied, hastened through a brief report detailing his department's inability to print enough money during the current economic crisis.
Financial reporters noted that due to Geithner's well noted disability in not being able to read a Teleprompter correctly, his speech was lip synched off stage by noted actor and comedian Robin Williams.
Williams, using a range of his famous voices, detailed the problems the mint has had keeping up with demands from all segments of he Economy, plus pledges by rogue Democrat ambassadors without portfolio spreading promised wealth through the not so free world on taxpayer funded junkets.
Geithner/Willams said printing machines were running 24/7 and even Fed X couldn't keep up with the demands for ink and reams of specially manufactured paper.
Geithner/Williams said the situation was approaching crisis mode, and the US had reached out to North Korea, a hostile state noted for producing the World's best $100 bills, and ordered $3B worth at a 50% discounted rate. The Secretary said the country was so short of cash, that he ordered the Treasury to pay North Korea with the newly minted T-Bills paying 23% and personally guaranteed by Joe Biden's family's Hedge Fund, recently linked to the Stanford Scandal.
At this point in the press conference, noting that Geithner had shit himself, and his lips couldn't keep up with the dialogue, Williams appeared on stage to take over, and received a standing ovation.
After doing some hilarious imitations of Hugo Chavez sharing a banana split with President Obama, while both were high on dope, he did a credible bit on former Mexican President Calderon now proclaiming himself President of the ceded South Western states with his wife, Mary Jane, standing by his side.
With the tension now lifted in the usually uptight press room, several of the more liberal reporters lit up a joint, and proceeded to enjoy the show.
Williams soon got serious, or as serious as he can be, and began detailing the pressure on the US Treasury. In a non stop monologue, out came the $900M pledged to Gaza by Hillary Clinton, $100M and the original PT Boat from McHales Navy to Syria, pledged by John Kerry, $3b to the UN from Jill Biden, $3.5B to the World Bank by Chris Dodd, and the $8B to the Vatican to secure Saint Hood for her ownself, the Flying Nun, Nancy Pelosi.
Williams touched only briefly on the 20% of funds to the World Bank documented to be lost through corruption, and hedged when talking about the total given to the UN as the US is too embarrassed to disclose that figure, and the UN is too screwed up to account for it anyway.
Williams did a parody on NY Congressman Chuck Schumer, saying "no one really cares where the money goes anyway", and proposed that the Treasury will "just have to print more money and get bigger trucks to make up for the Skim!"
Williams took 2 curtain calls before finally exiting, and a drug sweep by the DEA after the Press conference found 102 almost dead roaches. The 6 O'Clock news was delayed nearly 20 minutes to allow the Smoking Heads to get Semi Straight.