European leaders in Berlin have agreed on the need to regulate all grumpiness, including morose dourness.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel highlighted that leaders face an 'extraordinary grumpy crisis', and a 'near-suicidal moroseness, that's enough to make even Russians seem cheery'. But a few leaders, including British PM Gordon 'Sourfaced Miserable Git' Brown warned against reverting to cheeriness and laughter, and French President Nicolas 'Pass Me The Razor Blades, S'il Vous Plait' Sarkozy simply stared moodily into his glass of Bordeaux in agreement.
'There is a need for caution and prudence in how European leaders behave', Mr Brown said, 'and I for one will not be suddenly smiling and friendly, any more than Vladimir 'Suicide Isn't As Bad As You Think' Putin ever was.'
'Let us not get carried away by global laughter and merriment, let us be careful not to overdo the pleasantness and joke-telling. And we, the European Union, urge Silvio Berlusconi to stop always grinning like a chimpanzee on something, and try and be a little more grumpy.'
But in England Conservative leader David 'Nicechap' Cameron stopped his yodelling lessons to say this: 'I disagree with the anti-grouchiness measures. What Europe needs is more friendly, cheerful leaders, not the same old fat, morose crowd that are in Berlin.'
'I doubt if even Gordon Brown would laugh if I told him the joke about two British bombers over Berlin! Under THIS government, THEY have made people - THEY - Hey! THEY, yodelayheehoo!, yodelayheehooooooooo!!!!', and he left the room to put on his Alpine cap and Swiss Army clown's uniform.
Prime Minister Brown had this reply for the Tory leader. 'If that fool thinks by smiling and laughing all the time and yodelling across the floor of the Commons at me will help the worldwide grumpiness crisis, then he's barking up the wrong yew tree.'
'A small amount of grim grumpiness is essential, not being nice and friendly all the time. And Mrs Merkel is, of course, entitled to her anti-morose views, but personally I'd prefer sitting through a Free Church of Scotland minister's sermon while funeral music plays than to be happy all the time.'
David Cameron is available for children's parties. Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy are available as professional mourners at crematorium services.