In a titanic effort to write a popular story, the infamous Queen Mary Jane Screws analysed the statistics and discovered that people's minds are occupied with celebrities, sex, and pot. She therefore resolved to research and report on the real truth of these fascinations.
She discovered that celebrities only received publicity because they were famous. So she complained to the Equal Fame Board that non-famous celebrities were failing to receive fair publicity.
As far as pot was concerned, she failed to understand why it had not been made mandatory years ago.
But when it came to sex, the scene was very different. She found that the fascination with sex had been going on since the origin of man, even though there had been a severe shortage of fruit on The Garden of Eden's dildo trees (vibratus bushus).
After spending eleventeen weeks rummaging through waste bins outside Victoria station, she eventually came across a copy of the North Stevian Masturbator that had been used as a chip wrapper in the sixties. It declared that the Plastic Ono Band was in fact an advert for contraceptives. In her report of the findings it was discovered that the recently engaged Yoko Ono had become confused by Acapulco, rings, and gold, and had wrapped the bedside plant in a travel brochure. and stuffed it up John Lennon's jaxi.
Queen Mary was very pleased with her efforts which seemed to be particularly popular amongst the old-timers in Scotland. They named a ship after her and wished good luck to all that sailed in her.