LOS ANGELES - USA: Obama won; now America wants to get back on the world stage, "Buy American" protectionism is the mantra of the recession. And every Hollywood has-been wants to have their say.
Enter the Oscars - described by a lisping P. Issdoff, an ex-member of the judging panel as: "A 3-hour snore fest - usually hosted by a detoxed, sanitized version of Lenny Bruce and Red Foxx rolled into a Robin Williams type of leprechaun.
"First there is the red carpet spectacle hosted by dubious-gender humanoids waxing lyrical as anorexic, corset-swathed actresses, pose in a Valium-induced stupor showing off bizarre, horrific, garbage bag sartorial-creations that look like they've been fashioned out of WW 1 used bandages.
"Cut to the inside where a deadpan audience of big names stares out of vacant, cocaine-withdrawn eyes, pretending to be cool yet fingers crossed "Please Jesus- go ahead, make my day"!
"Followed by the shameless, oxymoronic look-at-me-I'm-so-modest-and-humble, sucky-poo thank you speeches: "I'd like to thank my Ob/gyn for paying for my implants; my beloved dentist for fixing my overbite before dumping me. And a special thanks to the pool boy for always believing in me every Wednesday and Saturday"
Said 95-year old Kitty Earth, Hollywood's' bitchiest celebrity: "Listen daah-ling this is Hollywood Duh-merica - the phony, kiss-you-on-the-cheek while I plunge-the dagger-in-your-back capital where insincerity reigns supreme. I've been nominated 20 times, won zippo, nada, bupkiss, they can all kiss ma ass baby".
When asked by this reporter who would win Best Actor, a slurring-Kitty swore a blue streak: "Mickey should win - but he's too ballsy, doesn't play the game. Probably some Brit wanker with bad dental hygiene will - can't understand a word they mumble".
Based on some strong insider information, this reporter is predicting that "Buy America" will be the theme of the day - so much for fairness in judging. And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to:
Brad Pitt for Ben-Butt.