Washington, DC/ Aviation News - In a scathing report released today, the National Transportation and Safety Board, put the blame for the tragic crash of the US Economy squarely on the shoulder of the Stimulus Pilot; Barack Obama.
Driving straight to the point, the report crafted by over 650 Economists, found that the President was " diffident, autocratic, narcissist, and probably suffering from attention deficit syndrome."
The report went on the say there was no chance the economy could have kept on flying with the added load placed on the fragile wings. "Bailouts to deadbeats, money for the corrupt, and added taxes to those 20% of the working population supporting the other 80% just doesn't fly...the economy just pan caked under the load," a forensic investigator said.
"No one, in a time of crisis, or during a difficult time trying to bring the economy in for a soft landing, abandons the driver's seat, puts the plane on auto pilot, and goes to his dressing room to preen himself as if he was auditioning for American Idol," the report stated.
Efforts to get a reply from the White House were unsuccessful, as the only sign of life there was that the lights were still on, the heat was still set at 8o degrees, but the lone security guard said no one had been there for the past three weeks, except the Decorator, the Renovation Crew, and the TV producers for "FLIP THAT HOUSE."
Attempts by the President's Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, who never had a real job since gaining his Political Science Degree, except as a mouth piece for several Democratic Hacks, was tongue tied as usual.
"Ah, well, like, Barry really hasn't told me where he is right now...ah, he really is the President and not accountable for anything....and, ah, any information you are asking is above my pay grade...why not let me run that by Greg (Craig, legal counsel) and get back to you," Gibbs said after calling a press conference covered live by 16 US and international media outlets.
Secretary of the Treasury, Tim Geithner, was also non committal, saying he had to "run" as he had a meeting with his tax advisor, but yes, he was sorry the DOW had reached a 6 year low, and that most Amerians who had studied the stimulus bill thought it sucked...but he was working on it, and as soon as he could figure out how to read a teleprompter, he would explain everything, although, "it may be awhile."
Journalists were pestered all day long by besieged Democratic Senator Roland Burris, who was willing to talk to anybody, but found no one was interested in talking to him. He was complaining that someone had changed the locks to his Senate office, but no one had told him why. Burris handed out photo copies of his 14th amended statement on the Blago Scandal, and beamed when told he was to be the subject of Jay Leno's late night talk show monologue.
Meanwhile, President Vladmir Putin, of all people, called upon the US to avoid moving toward SOCIALISM. Putin, in an economic address in Europe, basically said the old Soviet Union had "been there, done that", and it hadn't worked!
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, also out of the country, pooh-poohed Putin's remarks saying they came from a leader who was "just jealous that HE didn't have a Presidential Library", and would be proven wrong in the long run.
In San Francisco, officials were besides themselves when they learned the President was flying in to talk with Nadja Suleman, of Octuplet fame, to discuss her long term bailout and to reinforce his image of caring "for the little people."
Reports surfaced today that a California state funded volunteer agency had come forward to offer long term care for her 8 new kids, plus the six she already had, at the ultimate taxpayer expense of $135,000 per month.
Suleman's publicist said Nadja was filled with hope when she got a call from Presidential Counsel Greg Craig yesterday, announcing the audience with Obama. Craig said the interview would be carried live, and would pre empt all regular broadcasting.
Immediately after the phone call Super Mom was out previewing a $1.2M home with a local Realtor, and seen working with graph paper on furniture layouts.
Insiders say Obama has delegated the situation to Nancy Pelosi, who has some money left over from her $30M Harvest Mouse study buried in the Stimulus Package, and has prevailed upon her to part with "some Cheese" for the hapless Suleman. Pelosi, fresh from her audience with the Pope, was said to be "full of Christian Charity", and was even considering "housing 6-8 eggs myself" to show solidarity with Suleman and prove she really was "pro-life!"